Friday, July 27, 2012

Quotable RizzIsles: Episode 3.08 -- "Cuts Like a Knife"

Case: Bride is killed before walking down the aisle and is evidently part of an underground, human trafficking operation
RizzIsles: JaneandMaura talk about fantasy weddings; Maura speaks Serbian!; Jane tries to protect Frankie and Frost but is ordered not to say a word

(Maura – in a GORGEOUS grey skirt suit – opens door to Jane’s apartment, Jane walks in behind her – in workout clothes – dragging a long box)
Jane: Maura.  Please.  Help.
Maura: I’m in my brunch clothes.  Can’t we just do this after we go to Newberry Street?
Jane: Maura, we have to put my bed together before you drag me (whining) to boutiqueeeesss.  C’mon.  (Maura makes annoyed face, puts her bag down to help, Jane pulls out directions)  Okay, slide tab A into hole B at the appropriate size for mat--- (drops box, whining) why do they have to make directions so complicated?!
Maura: Okay, they’re not complicated.  (Grabs directions from Jane, gives her a look) Extend arm C to align with bedframe at point D.  (Hands them back to Jane, sarcastic smile)  I see what you mean.

Maura: Is your mother here?
Jane: Yes.  She’s afraid Frankie will get hurt before his big interview.
Maura: Well, the rate of musculo skeletal disorders is highest among movers.
Jane: The rate for uniforms getting a slot in homicide is lowest among mama’s boys.

Angela: Don’t distract them!
Jane: They seem pretty distracted already!
Neighbor Chick: Thanks for letting me mooch off your manpower
Jane: Sure!  Mooch away… (mumbling to herself and Maura)  I’ll just sleep on the floor.

Maura: Her right corroded was severed by something very sharp.
Jane: Oh thank goodness you’re here.  How would we have known it was something sharp?!
Maura: Don’t be mean because your mattress is still on top of your car.
Jane: You can’t get bed bugs from the street, can you?  No, that’s dumb, right?
Maura: Well new mattresses can have bed bugs if they’ve been transported with old ones.  See if you have any, ya know, brown or red stains, or any pearly white casings.
Jane: Please stop talking.

Maura: (Kneels down over victim, speaking Eastern European language)
Jane: Dubio-knick your upper lip to you.
Maura: I said Dubrovnik is a beautiful city.
Frost: You speak Croatian?
Maura: Serbian.  (Says Serbian word)  It’s an easy language
Jane: No, yea, I think I’m picking it up.  Dubro-skav Scooby dooby doo.

(Recording of angry, crazed suspect plays
Maura: She’s displaying signs of intermittent explosive disorder.
(More recording plays)
Jane: Doesn’t sound too intermittent to me.

(Homicide team in BRIC discussing case; Victim came to USA by way of a site called “Samaritan Girl”)
Maura: (walking into the room) That’s an odd name for a relief agency.  A Samaritan helps someone in distress.  If the girl is getting the help, why is she the Samaritan?
Jane: (talking through her teeth)  Shouldn’t you be doing an autopsy instead of giving a grammar lesson?
Maura: Oh.  Yea, well, the coroner’s van is stuck in traffic.  Which reminds me of Boris Kerner’s work on spatial relations of traffic congestion.
Jane: (interrupts Maura) Gosh that’s interesting, but we’re trying to figure out who killed the bride.
Maura: Sorry.  (smells candle)

Maura: What kind of cake would you have?
Jane: (slowly) For, what?
Maura: (matter of factly) Your wedding.
Jane: Who am I marrying?
Maura: I’m going to have hazelnut almond, chocolate gnash and maybe mocha buttercream.
Jane: Maura you don’t even have a boyfriend.
Maura: Oh I’m not getting married.  I just think it’s fun to play fantasy wedding, don’t you?
Jane: If you’re 5.
(Makes a face, goes back to examining the body)
Maura: What a shame to get married in a polyester blend.  What does your dress look like?
Jane: (rolling her eyes, gritting teeth)  I don’t wear dresses.
Maura: Oh c’mon… you must have fantasized about your wedding dress as a little girl.
Jane: Yes, once.  I had a very high fever.
Maura: My gown would be silk charmouse, with an empire waist and a 20 foot train.  And the ceremony would be in the cliffs of Santorini right above a volcano.
Jane: What if the volcano erupts?
Maura: Oh, I’d check for seismic activity.
Jane: Of course.
Maura: And I wanted to marry Antonio Benevienni when I was 12.
Jane: (over dramatic, whiny teenager voice) Not Antonio Benevienni!  I hate it when we like the same guy!
Maura: He died in the 16th Century.  Pioneered the autopsy.  I’d be Maura Dorthea Isles Benevienni.
Jane: Wow, Dorthea?!  And you laughed at Clementine!  Dorthea?!
Maura: I didn’t laugh, I smiled.  I liked it.  And I like that name too because, you know, it’s the name of a famous artist.
Jane: Oh my God, you are SO weird!  Okay, ya know what - fine, if it’ll move things along… I was once in love with Bill Bueckner.  And then the ball went through his legs in the World Series.  No longer.  Can we finish?
Maura: (laughing) Yes.
Jane: Thank you.

(Jane’s phone goes off)
Jane: It’s Korsak.  Our suspect Vicki is upstairs and she will only speak to unmarried women.  (Maura takes her gloves off and starts to leave the room)  Where do you think you’re going?
Maura: I’m UNmarried and Vicki sounds a little UNhinged.  You might need my professional opinion to help break the suspect.
Jane: Since when?

(Maura behind window of interrogation room wearing an earpiece)
Maura: Reassure her.  Compliment her wedding album.
Jane: (to Vicki)  Uh, it’s a nice wedding album.  (Vicki responds erratically, Jane mumbles to Maura thru earpiece)  That was a good idea.
Maura: (through earpiece) Ask her if she has auditory hallucinations.
Jane: You ever hear voices.
(Vicki responds to question)
Maura: (through earpiece) Could be brief reactive psychosis.  It’d help to know the event that precipitated it.
Jane: (mumbling to Maura) You mean the wedding?  That event?!
Vicki: Are you hearing voices too?!
Jane: Uhh… Yes, I have a know-it-all in my ear.  (Maura smirks and shakes her head)
Vicki:  Ya know that Anya bitch was a liar too.
Jane: What do you mean?
Vicki: She said she was a student but she wasn’t.  She said she was a virgin but she was a raging slut!  Turn the page you’ll see. (Jane turns page to see innocent, cute pictures of girl kissing boy on the cheek)  Slut, right?
Maura: (through earpiece) Agree with her so you don’t inflame her.
Jane: Yea, she’s so-- slutty.
Vicki: She deserves what I did to her.
Maura: (through earpiece) She shows no empathy for her victim.
Jane: (snippy to Maura) I got this part. (to victim) You think Anya deserved to have her throat cut?
Vicki: She’s dead?  (excited, yelling)  Oh my God!  That’s FANTASTIC!!  (laughing)
Maura: (through earpiece) She suffers from psychotic delusions.
Vicki: Now Seth and I can get married!!
Jane: (phony, dramatic excitement, clapping) YAY!!
Maura: (through earpiece) It’s my professional opinion that she be put under psychiatric observation. 
Jane: (pulls earpiece out)  Good idea!
Maura: Jane!

Maura: I’m gonna make you eat something green tonight.
Jane: Okay, I’ll get extra pickles on my burger.

Jane: He leaves.  She stays.  Doesn’t that seem kind of….
Maura: Kind of…?  You’re judging her because she’s sitting by herself in a bar.
Jane: NO! …….YES!

Jane: She’s hugging him Maura.
Maura: AH!  Look at that!  She’s kissing him!
Jane: I can see that.  She’s not sitting by herself or keeping her hands to herself.  Is it okay to judge now?!
Maura: If she was a man would you judge?

Jane: I need to tell Frankie.
Maura: Stay out of it.
Jane: And I need to tell Frost.
Maura: STAY. OUT. OF IT.
Angela: Stay out of what?
Maura: Jane’s new neighbor is doing Darwinian Sex Selection.
Angela: What?!  She seemed like such a nice girl even though she has those HIDEOUS tattoos.
Jane: Ma do you even know what she just said?
Angela: Yes I do.  Riley is picking a mate from a big selection.  (mumbling)  Something you should try.
Jane: Oh.  A small selection.  Frankie or Frost!
Angela: What a slut!
Jane: (shocked) Ma!
Angela: Excuse me… Morning Lieutant.
Jane: You think my Mom likes my boss?
Maura: I did see them having sex in the lobby.
Jane: WHAT?!
Maura: It was a joke! (beams with pride)

Jane: Okay, you two are idiots.  She’s playing you both.
Frost: Yea, we know.  It’s all good.
Jane: It’s “all good” if my new neighbor sleeps with both of you?
Maura: Well many cultures exchange partners to indulge in forbidden pleasures.
Jane: Ah jeeze!
Frost: Neither one of us is has hooked up with Riley yet.  I mean that would be a total violation of The Code.  (Frankie nods)
Maura: The Man Code!  Yes, I’ve heard of this.  It’s an unspoken set of rules that men live by.
Jane: Thank you Jane Goodall.  So what, one of these “Man Code Rules” is until Riley does one of you, you both go out with her?
Frankie: Yea.
Maura: Hm.  That seems reasonable.  (excited)  What’s another one?
Frost: Well you can’t share an umbrella.
Frankie: And if you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours his sister is off limits.
Maura: So Jane and Detective Frost can’t “HOOK UP”?
Jane: Maura!  (Maura shakes it off)
Frost: Then there’s the grenade.
Frankie: That’s a big one. 
Maura: I don’t understand.
Frankie: The grenade is a hot girls…… ugly friend.
Frost: You gotta jump on that grenade if it helps your buddy.
Maura: (confused) Helps him how?
Jane: Sleep with the hot chick, Maura!
Maura: (disgusted) OHH!

(RizzIsles moving mattress through Jane’s living room; Jane ranting about case)
Maura: (out of breath) Okay.  Can we just do one thing at a time?  Either talk about the case, or move this mattress.
Jane: (whines, pushes mattress to ground) I hate my brother!
Maura: (kneels on mattress) Ah, well the good news is I don’t see any cimex lectularius larve.
Jane: Maura!  You and the bed bugs.  Please, stop! (voice in the hallway)  That’s Riley!  I’m gonna go ask her to help because it’s her fault we’re moving this mattress!

Jane: Of course my partner and my little brother have to fall for the big drug dealer.  Couldn’t fall for the little drug dealer?!
Maura: Stop worrying.  The Man Code will prevent them from both hooking up with Riley.
Jane: That’s so soothing Maura.  Thank you.  I gotta tell them.  What if something happens?!
Maura: Something will happen if you don’t keep your mouth shut.  You’ll be brought up on charges, and Frankie is going to lose his shot at homicide and Frost will get transferred.
Jane: Okay, well other than that what can happen?
(Maura rolls her eyes and changes the subject to the case)

Maura: You see this copper rivet we found in Anya’s wedding gown?
Jane: Yea.  So?
Maura: Soo… it has traces of a wheat found in the SR6 gene.
Jane: Oh the SR6 gene.  Bummer.
Maura: Do you ever read the journal of Agriculture and Food Chemistry?
Jane: (sarcastic) Mm, every issue.  (Maura looks up surprised)  I especially love their “caption the cartoon” contest.
Maura: (excited and surprised) There’s a caption contest?!  (Maura searches on computer for caption contest; Jane throws her head back in frustration, Maura figures it out)  Ha-ha-ha.  SO, the SR6 was a gene cultivated in the 1940s.
Jane: If you’re trying to bore me to death, it’s working.

(Outside suspects warehouse)
Jane: Frost, where’d you get the stun gun?
Frost: Borrowed it.
Korsak: Frost, you go first.
Frost: Why me?!
Korsak: You got the stun gun.
Frost: (hands stun gun to Korsak) Now you got the stun gun.
Jane: Gimme that!

Sasha.  Speaks.  Serbian.

Jane: Franki-- he’s never gonna talk to me again.
Maura: The blue residue I found in Anya’s throat wound is methol isobutol keytone.
Jane: Gee, thank you for the sympathy.  I really appreciate it.
Maura: Well he’ll get over it.  Aren’t ya gonna say “what’s the blue stuff”?
Jane: (obligingly) What’s the blue stuff?
Maura: Dry erase ink.
Jane: (genuinely curious)  What’s that doing in Anya’s throat wound?
Maura: (pleased) Well that’s better!

More. Serbian by Sash.

(Korsak in a tux, driving a black town car)
Korsak: Every so often it pays to be a middle aged white guy.
Jane: (laying on floor in back seat, pulls cover down to reveal her and Frost hiding)  I am so driving on the way back!

(RizzIsles back at Jane’s apartment… in her living room, with her mattress on the floor)
Maura: (sitting on edge of mattress, drinking wine) Are you starting to like Pinot Nior more?
Jane: (laying down on mattress) No, Frost and Frankie drank all the beer.
Maura: Too bad.  Hey, maybe you’ll get a new neighbor and Frankie and Frost will help you move this mattress to your bedroom.
Jane: (laughs) That’d be really nice because traffic is really loud out here.
Maura: (sincerely) You did good work today.
Jane: (softly) Thanks.  At least Anya didn’t die in vain and Lelia gets to stay here and go to college.
Maura: I just think it’s so disgusting that they put her in a wedding gown to auction her off.
Jane: That’s the part that disgusts you??!
Maura: No, all of it disgusts me.

Maura: (lays down next to Jane) So you must’ve had a wedding fantasy when you were little.  Every little girl has one.
Jane: (laughs, rolls her eyes) Okay, it wasn’t really a fantasy.  I had this dumb idea that I would (looks at Maura, intentionally looks away, embarrassed smile) say my vows at Fenway over home plate… in a Red Sox jersey. (looks back at Maura, anticipating reaction)
Maura: (RizzIsles smiling and laughing) It’s not dumb!  It’s not exactly elegant, but… at least it’s colorful.
Jane: (sweetly) We would have the reception over the pitcher’s mound.  We’d serve foot long hot dogs, (Maura looks at Jane listening closely, smiling) frozen lemonade and guests would throw peanuts at us instead of rice.
Maura: Can I come?
Jane: (turning toward Maura, kid-like voice) Maybe!
Maura: Okay.
(Silent moment)
Maura: A Red Sox jersey?
Jane: You’re in my fantasy.  You cannot tell me what to wear!

GIFs not mine > I save awesome stuff after I reblog

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