Case: Bride
is killed before walking down the aisle and is evidently part of an
underground, human trafficking operation
RizzIsles: JaneandMaura
talk about fantasy weddings; Maura speaks Serbian!; Jane tries to protect
Frankie and Frost but is ordered not to say a word
(Maura – in a
GORGEOUS grey skirt suit – opens door to Jane’s apartment, Jane walks in behind
her – in workout clothes – dragging a long box)
Jane: Maura. Please.
Help.
Maura: I’m in
my brunch clothes. Can’t we just do this
after we go to Newberry Street?
Jane: Maura,
we have to put my bed together before you drag me (whining) to boutiqueeeesss.
C’mon. (Maura makes annoyed face, puts her bag down to help, Jane pulls out
directions) Okay, slide tab A into
hole B at the appropriate size for mat--- (drops
box, whining) why do they have to make directions so complicated?!
Maura: Okay,
they’re not complicated. (Grabs directions from Jane, gives her a
look) Extend arm C to align with bedframe at point D. (Hands
them back to Jane, sarcastic smile) I
see what you mean.
Maura: Is your
mother here?
Jane: Yes. She’s afraid Frankie will get hurt before his
big interview.
Maura: Well, the
rate of musculo skeletal disorders is highest among movers.
Jane: The rate
for uniforms getting a slot in homicide is lowest among mama’s boys.
Angela: Don’t
distract them!
Jane: They
seem pretty distracted already!
Neighbor Chick: Thanks
for letting me mooch off your manpower
Jane:
Sure! Mooch away… (mumbling to herself and Maura) I’ll
just sleep on the floor.
Maura: Her
right corroded was severed by something very sharp.
Jane: Oh thank
goodness you’re here. How would we have
known it was something sharp?!
Maura: Don’t
be mean because your mattress is still on top of your car.
Jane: You
can’t get bed bugs from the street, can you?
No, that’s dumb, right?
Maura: Well
new mattresses can have bed bugs if they’ve been transported with old
ones. See if you have any, ya know,
brown or red stains, or any pearly white casings.
Jane: Please
stop talking.
Maura: (Kneels down over victim, speaking Eastern
European language)
Jane: Dubio-knick
your upper lip to you.
Maura: I said
Dubrovnik is a beautiful city.
Frost: You
speak Croatian?
Maura: Serbian. (Says
Serbian word) It’s an easy language
Jane: No, yea,
I think I’m picking it up. Dubro-skav
Scooby dooby doo.
(Recording of
angry, crazed suspect plays
Maura: She’s
displaying signs of intermittent explosive disorder.
(More recording
plays)
Jane: Doesn’t
sound too intermittent to me.
(Homicide team in
BRIC discussing case; Victim came to USA by way of a site called “Samaritan
Girl”)
Maura: (walking into the room) That’s an odd
name for a relief agency. A Samaritan
helps someone in distress. If the girl
is getting the help, why is she the Samaritan?
Jane: (talking through her teeth) Shouldn’t you be doing an autopsy instead
of giving a grammar lesson?
Maura: Oh. Yea, well, the coroner’s van is stuck in
traffic. Which reminds me of Boris
Kerner’s work on spatial relations of traffic congestion.
Jane: (interrupts Maura) Gosh that’s
interesting, but we’re trying to figure out who killed the bride.
Maura: Sorry. (smells
candle)
Maura: What
kind of cake would you have?
Jane: (slowly) For, what?
Maura: (matter of factly) Your wedding.
Jane: Who am I
marrying?
Maura: I’m
going to have hazelnut almond, chocolate gnash and maybe mocha buttercream.
Jane: Maura
you don’t even have a boyfriend.
Maura: Oh I’m
not getting married. I just think it’s
fun to play fantasy wedding, don’t you?
Jane: If
you’re 5.
(Makes a face, goes
back to examining the body)
Maura: What a
shame to get married in a polyester blend.
What does your dress look like?
Jane: (rolling her eyes, gritting teeth) I don’t wear dresses.
Maura: Oh c’mon…
you must have fantasized about your wedding dress as a little girl.
Jane: Yes,
once. I had a very high fever.
Maura: My gown
would be silk charmouse, with an empire waist and a 20 foot train. And the ceremony would be in the cliffs of
Santorini right above a volcano.
Jane: What if
the volcano erupts?
Maura: Oh, I’d
check for seismic activity.
Jane: Of
course.
Maura: And I
wanted to marry Antonio Benevienni when I was 12.
Jane: (over dramatic, whiny teenager voice) Not
Antonio Benevienni! I hate it when we
like the same guy!
Maura: He died
in the 16th Century. Pioneered
the autopsy. I’d be Maura Dorthea Isles
Benevienni.
Jane: Wow,
Dorthea?! And you laughed at
Clementine! Dorthea?!
Maura: I
didn’t laugh, I smiled. I liked it. And I like that name too because, you know,
it’s the name of a famous artist.
Jane: Oh my
God, you are SO weird! Okay, ya know
what - fine, if it’ll move things along… I was once in love with Bill
Bueckner. And then the ball went through
his legs in the World Series. No longer. Can we finish?
Maura: (laughing) Yes.
Jane: Thank
you.
(Jane’s phone goes
off)
Jane: It’s
Korsak. Our suspect Vicki is upstairs
and she will only speak to unmarried women.
(Maura takes her gloves off and
starts to leave the room) Where do
you think you’re going?
Maura: I’m
UNmarried and Vicki sounds a little UNhinged.
You might need my professional opinion to help break the suspect.
Jane: Since
when?
(Maura behind
window of interrogation room wearing an earpiece)
Maura: Reassure
her. Compliment her wedding album.
Jane: (to Vicki) Uh, it’s a nice wedding album. (Vicki
responds erratically, Jane mumbles to Maura thru earpiece) That was a good idea.
Maura: (through earpiece) Ask her if she has auditory hallucinations.
Jane: You ever
hear voices.
(Vicki responds to
question)
Maura: (through earpiece) Could be brief reactive psychosis. It’d help to know the event that precipitated
it.
Jane: (mumbling to Maura) You mean the
wedding? That event?!
Vicki: Are you
hearing voices too?!
Jane: Uhh… Yes, I have a know-it-all in my ear. (Maura
smirks and shakes her head)
Vicki: Ya know that Anya bitch was a liar too.
Jane: What do
you mean?
Vicki: She
said she was a student but she wasn’t.
She said she was a virgin but she was a raging slut! Turn the page you’ll see. (Jane turns page to see
innocent, cute pictures of girl kissing boy on the cheek) Slut, right?
Maura: (through earpiece) Agree with her so you don’t inflame her.
Jane: Yea,
she’s so-- slutty.
Vicki: She
deserves what I did to her.
Maura: (through earpiece) She shows no empathy for her victim.
Jane: (snippy to Maura) I got this part. (to victim) You think Anya deserved to
have her throat cut?
Vicki: She’s
dead? (excited, yelling) Oh my
God! That’s FANTASTIC!! (laughing)
Maura: (through earpiece) She suffers from psychotic delusions.
Vicki: Now
Seth and I can get married!!
Jane: (phony, dramatic excitement, clapping) YAY!!
Maura: (through earpiece) It’s my professional opinion that she be put under psychiatric
observation.
Jane: (pulls earpiece out) Good idea!
Maura: Jane!
Maura: I’m
gonna make you eat something green tonight.
Jane: Okay, I’ll
get extra pickles on my burger.
Jane: He
leaves. She stays. Doesn’t that seem kind of….
Maura: Kind of…? You’re judging her because she’s sitting by
herself in a bar.
Jane: NO! …….YES!
Jane: She’s
hugging him Maura.
Maura: AH! Look at that!
She’s kissing him!
Jane: I can
see that. She’s not sitting by herself
or keeping her hands to herself. Is it
okay to judge now?!
Maura: If she
was a man would you judge?
Jane: HELL
YES!
Jane: I need
to tell Frankie.
Maura: Stay
out of it.
Jane: And I
need to tell Frost.
Maura: STAY.
OUT. OF IT.
Angela: Stay
out of what?
Maura: Jane’s
new neighbor is doing Darwinian Sex Selection.
Angela: What?! She seemed like such a nice girl even though
she has those HIDEOUS tattoos.
Jane: Ma do
you even know what she just said?
Angela: Yes I
do. Riley is picking a mate from a big selection. (mumbling) Something you should try.
Jane: Oh. A small selection. Frankie or Frost!
Angela: What a
slut!
Jane: (shocked) Ma!
Angela: Excuse
me… Morning Lieutant.
Jane: You
think my Mom likes my boss?
Maura: I did
see them having sex in the lobby.
Jane: WHAT?!
Maura: It was
a joke! (beams with pride)
Jane: Okay,
you two are idiots. She’s playing you
both.
Frost: Yea, we
know. It’s all good.
Jane: It’s “all
good” if my new neighbor sleeps with both of you?
Maura: Well
many cultures exchange partners to indulge in forbidden pleasures.
Jane: Ah
jeeze!
Frost: Neither
one of us is has hooked up with Riley yet.
I mean that would be a total violation of The Code. (Frankie
nods)
Maura: The Man
Code! Yes, I’ve heard of this. It’s an unspoken set of rules that men live
by.
Jane: Thank
you Jane Goodall. So what, one of these “Man
Code Rules” is until Riley does one of you, you both go out with her?
Frankie: Yea.
Maura: Hm. That seems reasonable. (excited) What’s another one?
Frost: Well
you can’t share an umbrella.
Frankie: And
if you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours his sister is off limits.
Maura: So Jane
and Detective Frost can’t “HOOK UP”?
Jane: Maura! (Maura
shakes it off)
Frost: Then
there’s the grenade.
Frankie: That’s
a big one.
Maura: I don’t
understand.
Frankie: The
grenade is a hot girls…… ugly friend.
Frost: You
gotta jump on that grenade if it helps your buddy.
Maura: (confused) Helps him how?
Jane: Sleep
with the hot chick, Maura!
Maura: (disgusted) OHH!
(RizzIsles moving
mattress through Jane’s living room; Jane ranting about case)
Maura: (out of breath) Okay. Can we just do one thing at a time? Either talk about the case, or move this
mattress.
Jane: (whines, pushes mattress to ground) I
hate my brother!
Maura: (kneels on mattress) Ah, well the good
news is I don’t see any cimex lectularius larve.
Jane: Maura! You and the bed bugs. Please, stop! (voice in the hallway) That’s
Riley! I’m gonna go ask her to help because
it’s her fault we’re moving this mattress!
Jane: Of
course my partner and my little brother have to fall for the big drug dealer. Couldn’t fall for the little drug dealer?!
Maura: Stop
worrying. The Man Code will prevent them
from both hooking up with Riley.
Jane: That’s
so soothing Maura. Thank you. I gotta tell them. What if something happens?!
Maura: Something
will happen if you don’t keep your mouth shut.
You’ll be brought up on charges, and Frankie is going to lose his shot
at homicide and Frost will get transferred.
Jane: Okay,
well other than that what can happen?
(Maura rolls her
eyes and changes the subject to the case)
Maura: You see
this copper rivet we found in Anya’s wedding gown?
Jane: Yea. So?
Maura: Soo… it
has traces of a wheat found in the SR6 gene.
Jane: Oh the
SR6 gene. Bummer.
Maura: Do you
ever read the journal of Agriculture and Food Chemistry?
Jane: (sarcastic) Mm, every issue. (Maura
looks up surprised) I especially
love their “caption the cartoon” contest.
Maura: (excited and surprised) There’s a
caption contest?! (Maura searches on computer for caption contest; Jane throws her head
back in frustration, Maura figures it out)
Ha-ha-ha. SO, the SR6 was a gene
cultivated in the 1940s.
Jane: If you’re trying to bore me to death, it’s working.
(Outside suspects
warehouse)
Jane: Frost,
where’d you get the stun gun?
Frost: Borrowed
it.
Korsak: Frost,
you go first.
Frost: Why
me?!
Korsak: You
got the stun gun.
Frost: (hands stun gun to Korsak) Now you got the
stun gun.
Jane: Gimme
that!
Sasha. Speaks. Serbian.
Jane: Franki--
he’s never gonna talk to me again.
Maura: The
blue residue I found in Anya’s throat wound is methol isobutol keytone.
Jane: Gee,
thank you for the sympathy. I really
appreciate it.
Maura: Well he’ll
get over it. Aren’t ya gonna say “what’s
the blue stuff”?
Jane: (obligingly) What’s the blue stuff?
Maura: Dry
erase ink.
Jane: (genuinely curious) What’s that doing in Anya’s throat wound?
Maura: (pleased) Well that’s better!
More. Serbian by
Sash.
(Korsak in a tux,
driving a black town car)
Korsak: Every
so often it pays to be a middle aged white guy.
Jane: (laying on floor in back seat, pulls cover
down to reveal her and Frost hiding) I
am so driving on the way back!
(RizzIsles back at
Jane’s apartment… in her living room, with her mattress on the floor)
Maura: (sitting on edge of mattress, drinking wine)
Are you starting to like Pinot Nior more?
Jane: (laying down on mattress) No, Frost and
Frankie drank all the beer.
Maura: Too
bad. Hey, maybe you’ll get a new
neighbor and Frankie and Frost will help you move this mattress to your
bedroom.
Jane: (laughs) That’d be really nice because traffic
is really loud out here.
Maura: (sincerely) You did good work today.
Jane: (softly) Thanks. At least Anya didn’t die in vain and Lelia
gets to stay here and go to college.
Maura: I just
think it’s so disgusting that they put her in a wedding gown to auction her
off.
Jane: That’s
the part that disgusts you??!
Maura: No, all
of it disgusts me.
Maura: (lays down next to Jane) So you must’ve
had a wedding fantasy when you were little.
Every little girl has one.
Jane: (laughs, rolls her eyes) Okay, it wasn’t
really a fantasy. I had this dumb idea
that I would (looks at Maura,
intentionally looks away, embarrassed smile) say my vows at Fenway over
home plate… in a Red Sox jersey. (looks
back at Maura, anticipating reaction)
Maura: (RizzIsles smiling and laughing) It’s
not dumb! It’s not exactly elegant, but…
at least it’s colorful.
Jane: (sweetly) We would have the reception
over the pitcher’s mound. We’d serve
foot long hot dogs, (Maura looks at Jane
listening closely, smiling) frozen lemonade and guests would throw peanuts
at us instead of rice.
Maura: Can I
come?
Jane: (turning toward Maura, kid-like voice) Maybe!
Maura: Okay.
(Silent moment)
Maura: A Red
Sox jersey?
Jane: You’re
in my fantasy. You cannot tell me what
to wear!
GIFs not mine > I save awesome stuff after I reblog
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