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Friday, July 13, 2012
Quotable RizzIsles: Episode 1.06 -- "I Kissed a Girl"
Case: A woman is killed leaving a lesbian bar; Jane and Maura go undercover to track down the killer
RizzIsles: Maura sets Jane up with an overly clingy yoga teacher; Maura and Jane talk about what their preferences would be if they switched teams
(In Yoga Class)
Jane: It hurts.
Maura: Pain is only in your mind.
Jane: Feels like my leg. (Few poses later) My mind has a cramp.
Maura: (whispering) That guy keeps smiling at you. He just broke up with his girlfriend.
Maura: Double date tomorrow?
Jane: (loudly) NO!
Frost: (to Maura) You got her to do Yoga?
Jane: (sarcastically) No it was my idea. I love Yoga.
Maura: Her last glucose reading was over 400.
Jane: Is that good or bad?
Maura: It’s extremely high.
Jane: Is that good or bad?
Jane: Murder weapon has a rectangular edge on it.
Maura: I can’t confirm that.
Jane: Frost we’re lookin’ for a 2x4--
(Frost picks up bloody 2x4 a few feet away)
Jane: Frost, we’re lookin for an idiot.
Jane: C’mon, it’s like she has to worry about the scar.
Maura: Don’t rush me.
Jane: Jorge say anything about me?
Maura: Yoga Jorge?
Jane: No. Jaunty Lube Jorge.
Maura: Oil change? Don’t go there. Total rip off.
Jane: Maura! C’mon! What’d he say about me??
Maura: He said sure. (Jane’s confused look) Brock asked about having a double-date.
Jane: (stomping her foot) I’m not going.
(Misc case conversation)
Maura: OH! Jorge thinks you’re hot!
Jane: Forget it.
Maura: (laughing) C’mon Jane. Listen to me. Every time he looks at you he contracts his orbicularis oculi and parazorbatalis.
Maura: It’s facial muscles. Please?
Jane: Only if you tell me what killed her.
Maura: (annoyed, conspirator look, Jane bats her eyelashes and smiles) There should be more blood associated with her facial lacerations.
Jane: I’m gonna have so much fun at home on my couch ALONE.
(More potential cause of death talk)
Jane: …so what killed her?
Maura: I don’t know yet.
Jane: Well I don’t know what I’m gonna have for dinner.
Maura: …but I did find some deerskin fibers.
Jane: So we’re looking for Bambi.
Maura: No, we’re looking for apparel.
Jane: Moccasins? A teepee?
Maura: Teepees are generally constructed from Buffalo hides.
Jane: (frustrated) Wow. You are so literal.
Crazy Prejudiced Guy: I will pray for you.
Jane: No thank you. I will do it myself.
Jane: So that was my first week on the job. I got to tackle a naked guy.
Jane: Actually it’s getting kind of late.
Maura: (glances over at Jane) I need to use the ladies room. Jane, want to join me?
Jane: No, no. I don’t need to go.
Maura: (whispers while walking passed) I think you do.
Jane: I need to go to the ladies room. Excuse me.
Jane: (Maura turns the corner and stops; Jane almost walks right into her) I thought you needed to go to the restroom.
Maura: That was a ruse! Well? Do you like him?
Jane: (glances back around the wall to look at Jorge) He’s sexy.
Maura: (sultry smiling) Yea. I think you should take him home.
Maura: What?! You said he was sexy.
Jane: Just because I like the way he looks in yoga class doesn’t mean I’m going to like the way he looks in my bed.
Maura: Right. But did you know that sex releases imunoglobulin a? It wards off colds. (innocently beaming)
Jane: (contemplating) No. Not tonight. And, and I didn’t shave my legs.
Maura: (pulls out a cosmetic bag with shaving equipment) Nice try.
Jane: What kind of person are you?!
(Maura beams innocently holding up the cosmetic bag)
Jane: So Maura says you’re in medicine. Doctor?
Jane: A male nurse. That is so cool. So what happened between you and your girlfriend?
Jorge: Oh. We couldn’t agree about kids.
Jane: Oh she wanted them and you didn’t?
Jorge: No. I just loved the idea of being a stay-at-home Daddy. But she wanted to stay home too. Someone’s gotta work, right?
Jane: I’m surprised.
Jorge: Why? Because I’m Hispanic? It’s a new world. I’m looking for a real woman. Someone who can hold Warrior II like you.
(RizzIsles walking toward each other outside headquarters)
Maura: That bad?
Jane: I thought you said you couldn’t lie.
Maura: (offended) What do you mean? I can’t.
Jane: You did.
Maura: (semi-stumbling) Only one time when I said I’d finished my homework and I hadn’t and I immediately went vasa vagal. Fainted.
Jane: Jorge’s in “medicine”?!
Maura: Technically. Yes he is.
Jane: What’s his specialty, lactation?!
Maura: Orthopedics. (Jane’s disgusted look) Joe Grant. He was a Detective. He was sexy and he was a perfect match for you.
Jane: Well I kinda liked him.
Maura: Yea well you butted heads with him until he moved to Washington. (shrugging)
Jane: So you hooked me up with Nurse Jorge?
(Maura innocently smiles; Jane glares and walks away)
Maura: (smirking) Well, I- (laughing) Yes.
Jane: It’s not funny.
(Jane’s phone buzzes during an interrogation)
Jane: What? What is so important?!
Maura: Jorge dropped off lunch for you. (Jane’s annoyed look) That’s not why I interrupted you. I extracted the killers DNA from the murder weapon.
Maura: Injuries are consistent with a non-biological, phallus shaped object.
Jane: (looking around, whispering) You mean a dildo?
Maura: (looking around) Yes, I believe that is the popular term for it. But did you know that a 28,000 year old stone phallus was recently found in a German cave? The Ice Age men were using it for napping flints.
Jane: Yea the Ice Age women were using it for making sparks too.
Maura: I wonder if Jorge read the Chomp study.
Jane: He probably wrote it.
Maura: Chocolate happiness undergoing more pleasantness study. Yea, it actually concluded that chocolate makes us happier.
Jane: Chocolate from Jorge makes me sadder.
Maura: Mmm. Flowers. Flowers have been shown to reduce depression. C’mon Jane! Jorge’s a catch.
Korsack: If you don’t want him can I have him?
Jane: Jorge? Yea he’s all yours. Maybe if I get fat he’ll stop calling.
Maura: Just think that if you allow him to see all sides of you, he’ll stop calling. (Look from Jane) Ya know, I just heard, what that sounded like and that is--. What I meant to say, was that--, human beings have good and bad traits. (Looks of disbelief from Jane and Frost) Ya know, and you have, you know, some (scrunched face) characteristics that are a little, not as, uh, um—WOW! Fudge clusters.
(Wide-eyed look from Jane; grabs chocolate from Maura and her overwhelmed face)
(Frost interrupts with case information)
Korsack: …she’s a helluva bowler. She hit a Turkey!
Maura: (saddened) Why would she do that?
Jane: That’s three strikes in a row, Maura.
Jane: No. I’m not gonna go undercover and troll for lesbian dates on the random chance that we catch a killer. No. (walks out)
Korsack: I think she loves the idea.
Frost: Me too.
Maura: Why do they do this? These categories are such stereotypes. Fem, Boy next door, sporty, fine.
Korsack: Jane is definitely fine. (Turned heads from Maura and Frost) I’m just saying for the purposes of the ad, you know, it’ll troll the best response.
Maura: (laughing) Okay, I just have to check a box. Fem, butch, lipstick, chapstick, sporty.
Frost: I’ve seen her break a chair over the head of a meth crazed gang banger.
Maura: So, butch?
Frost: Yea, she took him out!
Maura: No. She’s my friend! I am not putting butch. I’m putting sporty.
Korsack: Just check what the victim checked.
Maura: Oh. Let’s see. Lipstick Lesbian.
Korsack: I love undercover.
(Looks from Maura and Frost)
Maura: Nice and supportive doesn’t mean weak.
Jane: Please. Jorge is more submissive than my dog. Maybe I should be a lesbian.
Maura: Well wishes can come true. Frost and Korsack wanted to fill out your dating profile. I typed.
Jane: You what?!
Maura: If it wasn’t for me, you’d be butch.
Jane: (sitting up, in disbelief) You put my photo and profile on a gay dating website?
Maura: It’s your best shot at getting DNA and breaking this case. (walking back with her laptop)
Jane: No it’s OUR best shot. You’re going with me.
Jane: Yes, Dr. Isles. I don’t have time to train a female detective how to collect and preserve DNA. You’re going.
(Pulling up Jane’s dating profile)
Maura: There. Look. All these women think you’re hot.
Jane: Wow. …you realize one of these women could be Katie’s killer?
Maura: Not this one. Listen. She likes to hike, has season tickets to the Celtics.
Jane: Front row. Oh, I might flip for that.
Maura: I don’t understand online dating. People reveal too much of themselves. (reading) I want to connect with someone who can make me more of who I am.
Jane: (reading) Who can be strong without needing me to be weak.
(RizzIsles rolling their eyes and laughing)
Maura: I wonder what kind of women we would like if we liked women.
Jane: What?! Well, first of all, I would be the guy.
Maura: That’s a cliché. Why would you be the guy?!
Maura: Because you’re bossy?
Jane: So are you.
Maura: No I’m not.
Jane: Yes you are. You’re just soft and polite when you boss people around.
Maura: Well it’s a good thing you’re not my type.
Jane: (offended) What do you mean I’m not your type?! That is so rude!
Maura: (smiling and laughing) Well, you don’t know how to relax. (Jane gestures to herself relaxing) And you wear your shoes and your clothes to bed. And you just admitted that you’re bossy.
Jane: (laughing) Okay yea. I’M bossy. Right. You put my picture and profile on a gay dating website and I’M bossy. Right. Okay. …after I said no, by the way. (Maura hums quietly) What are you doing?
Maura: Meditating. It’s too stressful to argue with you.
Jane: Well just think. Because of you, by this time tomorrow I can be on a date with a killer. (Maura turns her head to glare; Jane opens one eye and smirks) Yaaay.
(Morning; Jo Friday barking)
Maura: (wakes up) It’s okay buddy. Just me.
Jane: (waking up) What are you doing here?
Maura: Guess I fell asleep while I was meditating.
Jane: Well at least you don’t snore.
Maura: You kick.
Jane: No no no, that’s not me. No. It was Jo. She runs in her sleep.
Maura: Clonic contractions. Dogs have dog dreams.
Maura: We should take a look and see if anyone else signed up to hook into you.
Jane: (trying to wake up and glare) That’s not how you say it. It’s hook UP with you.
Maura: (briefly contemplating) Whatever.
Jane: Whatever? I’m the one hooking up.
Maura: Well, pretending to. (Hands laptop to Jane)
Jane: Easy for you to say. I can’t believe I’m actually hoping that the killer wants to meet me. (Looking at computer screen) Damnit, Jorge. (full inbox shown) Jorge, Jorge, Jorge, Jorge, Jorge. Oh, and in case I missed his first email, and his 10th, Jorge. He’s so nice (pushing Maura, Maura laughing) God!
Maura: Maybe that’s what you need. (intentionally over the top) You need somebody, loving, supportive.
Jane: Like a hamster.
Maura: (laughing) Oh, Jane.
Jane: What?? What you think of as a great guy is an average woman. If I wanted someone to walk the dog with me and talk about my feelings, I’d be gay.
Maura: You’re not gonna say that to him, are you?
Jane: I will if you don’t. You got me into this, so get me out of it.
Maura: (looking in Jane’s closet) Uh oh.
Maura: Now I understand why you always look like this.
Jane: (concerned, angry face) Excuse me?!
Maura: You have nothing to wear.
(Jane gapes in disbelief)
(Maura holding flowery little dress)
Maura: This is completely appropriate.
Jane: (staring, horrified) No, no, it’s perfect. Where exactly am I going to hide the camera and the wire? I know! In my thong!
Maura: Maybe you can wear a brief.
Maura: Mark Twain said “the clothes make the man”.
Korsack: He also said “naked people have little to no influence”.
Maura: This is very serious.
Jane: Maura, c’mon, it’ll be fine. Alright, we’re trained professionals. We know what we’re doing. We’ve actually been undercover a few times before, so, let me handle this.
Maura: (annoyed/dejected) Okay. That’s fine. You don’t want my help. It’s like trying to dress a squirmy 6 year old anyway. …everything is too short, too itchy, (mock whiny voice) I can’t walk in that.
Jane: Maura, we all love the fact that you look like you’re about to strut down a Paris runway. It’s, it’s, interesting.
Frost: It’s endearing.
(Everyone turns to look at Korsack)
Jane: (smirking) It’s, um, it’s fashionable.
Maura: Oh, so that’s what you think?! You think this is all about fashion for me? (exasperated sigh from Jane)
Jane: (mumbling) This is gonna be good. (audibly) Um, no? It’s not about fashion?
Maura: (dead pan) No. It’s not.
Jane: (indulging) What is it about then?
Maura: I used to sit at the Musei de Orsi for hours and just stare at it. (lighting up) D’ya know what I mean?
Jane: Yes, the Rizzoli family vacations there every summer.
Maura: Have you ever tried to appreciate Euler’s Number E? The beautiful equation that connects three constants of mathematics? (genuinely) Have you?
Jane: Yea, I tried it once. (Korsack laughing)
Maura: I am in awe of what human beings can do. (smiling) I am in awe of the (running her hands across her collar) hand-knit channel stitching of this sweater. I am in awe of the artisan who molded, and shaped this shoe (holding it in her hand).
Jane: I cannot wait to see what you’re gonna wear!
(Maura sarcastically smiles)
(Watching through surveillance camera)
Korsack: Wow. Dr. Isles is…
Frost: (admiringly) Not very doctorly.
Korsack: …at all!
(Maura the Cocktail Waitress approaches Jane as she enters the club)
Maura: (smiling) Your table’s ready Miss.
Jane: Oh my God. (starting to take her jacket off) Put this on.
Maura: No! I’m undercover. Follow me.
Maura: (leaning right over Jane) Ladies, (Jane turns to realize she’s looking right down Maura’s top) may I get you something to drink?
Jane: (turning away, dryly) No. We’re good.
Date #2: I always fall for girls like you.
Jane: (uncomfortable) Like what?
Date: Smart. Tough. Complicated. (reaches for Jane’s hand)
Jane: (pulling hands away) My hands are sore… from, volleyball.
Korsack: …they’re women.
Frost: Oh, you’re an expert.
Korsack: I’ve been married 30 years.
Frost: To 3 different women.
Frost: So that’s not a very good track record detective.
Korsack: Look where you’re spending your Friday night. Real ladies man.
Korsack: Rizzoli’s good at this.
Frost: (hesitantly) At what being a lesbian?
Korsack: Yea. (Frost laughs) No. Shut up. I’m listening.
Frost: No you’re not, you’re talking.
Maura: None of the allele frequencies correspond to the DNA isolated on the 2x4.
Jane: The blood on the weapon didn’t match any of my dates?
Jane: What if--
Maura: I don’t like sentences that begin with “what if”.
Jane: Let’s assume--
Maura: Why is that better? (Jane sighs)
Maura: …someone might have attached it to her body then wiped it clean.
Jane: That’s good.
Maura: I’m just guessing.
Jane: Katie was here with women, so obviously she was cheating. Did you know her wife, Mel?
Bartender: I run a bar not a Church. You know that, right?
Jane: (flirty) Well you have my number, if you have any new thoughts… (look from bartender) You said if I was ever feeling adventurous…
Jane: Yea. (smiling)
(Bartender comes around bar, stands close; moves Jane’s hair, kisses her neck, Jane returns to headquarters)
Jane: (moving hair to side, head tilted) Could you swab my neck for DNA?
Maura: (amused) I’m not even going to ask why.
Jane: (removing wire from bartender) This is as adventurous as I get.
(Rolling out yoga mats in class; Jorge enters)
Jane: Crap. Maura! Maura!
Jorge: (sweetly) Hey.
Jorge: Look, I just want to say that I support you choice, Jane.
Jane: (non-committal smile) Okay. Thank you. …and thank you for the flowers, and the chocolates and the lunch. And the car battery, even though mine was fine.
Jorge: Sure. You’re welcome. (Glancing at Maura; Maura partially smiling, partially concerned/intrigued) Glad we live in a state where women like you can get married, if that’s what you want.
Jane: (annoyed, fake sweet smile) Okay. (Dirty look at giggling Maura) You told him I was gay.
Maura: No, he assumed. It’s different.
Jane: (through her teeth) He ASSUMED?
Maura: (smirking) Just close your eyes and breathe.
Jane: (exhales) You better hope this calms me down.
Maura: (amused) I can always tell him you like him.
Jane: Don’t you dare.
(RizzIsles pushing each other, Maura laughing)
GIFs not mine > I save awesome stuff after I reblog