Quotable RizzIsles: Episode 3.06 -- "Money Maker"

Case: Man is killed at a cloak and mask party

RizzIsles: Maura has an opportunity to spend more time with Hope and to meet her half-sister; Her half-sister figures out who she is and Maura ends up coming clean to Hope too;

Maura: The joy… of controlling how the hot water rises before a torrent of pressure penetrates the tamped beans.

Jane: Okay.  I’m done watching coffee porn.

Maura: How did instant get in my cupboard?!  (Sly look from Jane)  You are so impatient!

Jane: Maura, I just want a cup of coffee not a Roman orgy.

(Angela walks in in a cute dress)

Jane: (double-take)  Where are you going?  A garden party?

Angela: I’m going to work.

Jane: Like that?!

Maura: I think she looks beautiful!  And I love your shoes!

Angela: Oh, thank you.  It’s been a while since I’ve worn high heels.

Jane: 30 years is more than a while.

Jane: I think my mom has a gentlemen caller.

Maura: Your mother is a beautiful woman.

Jane: (matter of factly)  My mother flosses in bed.

(Phone rings)

Maura: Oh.  It’s Hope.

Jane: Answer it!

Maura: What do I say??

Jane: Hello biological mom, Hope.  My name is Maura.  I didn’t die at birth.

Maura: Shut up.

Jane: You shouldn’t say shut up.

Maura: Why did I invite them here?!  This place is a wreck!!

Jane: (sarcastically appalled)  Oh I’d be so embarrassed to invite anyone but me here.

Jane: O!  Saved by murder.  C’mon.

Maura: No, no.  I have way too much to do.

Jane: Okay.  I think I can do an autopsy by now.

Maura: I have to take a shower.

Jane: Maura.  Hot water gets shut off in 3 minutes.  Bathroom’s that way.

Maura: I didn’t even ask her if she was a Vegan.  What if she’s allergic to shellfish?

Jane: You just said she’s a Vegan.

Maura: No I did not.

Maura: I can’t pull together a formal dinner in 10 hours!

Jane: Considering it takes you 4 hours to make a cup of coffee.

(Maura starts getting flustered)

Jane: No, no no.  Not the heavy breathing.  Stop and I’ll help you.  Call my mother.  You flatter her.  Tell her what a great cook she is.  She’ll cook for you.

Maura: Such an imposition.

Jane: Not if you invite her to dinner.

Maura: Is this your listing?  It’s a beautiful property.

Realtor: Georgette Wilkins.  I have many other properties.  In all the exclusive neighborhoods.  Gimme a call.  (Hands Maura her card; Jane holds out her hand)

Jane: What makes you think I can’t afford a $3m home?

Korsack: Division Detective didin’t know what to make of it.

Maura: It’s the entire right fossa triangularis and the scaffa.

Jane: Did ya hear that Korsack?  It’s a whole fossil triangle with a scaffold.

Maura: It’s the right ear.

Jane: I think we’ve found the body that goes to that ear.

Maura: Well I’m not prepared to say conclusively until I’ve tested tissue samples.

Jane: Maura he’s got one ear!

Jane: What’s a millionaire hedge fund manager doing in a garbage can in a mask and a cloak?

Maura: Hiding?

Jane: (laughing)  Thank you Sherlock Holmes.

Maura: (holding a heart)  My preliminary examination indicates that he experienced a cardiac event.

Jane: It was quite an event.

Maura: You haven’t heard the best part.  Let’s talk about his penis.

Jane: If we must.  (lifting sheet)  I’m not seeing much to talk about.

Maura: Did you see the needle marks??

Jane: No!  I didn’t look that close.

Maura: Injection therapy is very popular.

Jane: Yea.  Sure.  Who wouldn’t want to shoot up their privates?

Angela: I don’t think Calin should’ve been forced to have dinner with us.

Jane: Why weren’t you this evolved when I was 18?!

(Maura pulls rolled up towel out of cooler and offers to Jane)

Jane: (stares suspiciously)  What is that?

Maura: A chilled lavender towel.  Put it on your neck. 

Jane: No.  (looks back down and keeps eating)

Maura: It’s very soothing.  It’s used for treating animarrea, athletes foot, vaginitis.

Jane: I’m eating.  I don’t need to be soothed.

Maura: (putting towel around her own neck instead)  Our victim’s tox report came back.  No sign of his erectile dysfunction medication.

Jane: Still eating!  He was injected with something; what was it?

Maura: Still testing.  I dissected his heart tissue.  (Jane puts fork down)  Whatever drug was injected did cause a heart attack.

Frankie and Frost “rapping” and “dancing” to “The Driz” and Crunk in the Trunk!  No.  Words.  …only watching it can TRULY capture its AMAZINGNESS!!!

(Maura swabbing dessert)

Jane: Is that last night’s dessert?  And am I about to get sick?

Maura: I think we’re a match.

Jane: You’re not really my type.

Maura: Me and Calin.

Jane: I think we’re having different conversations.

Maura: I donated anonymously.

Jane: Are you going to take it out yourself too?!  What are you crazy?!  No.  No!

(Jane listens with clear admiration and love)

Maura: What?  You only need one kidney.

Jane: You’re incredible.

Maura: You’d do the same for one of your brothers.

Jane: They’d have to be really, really nice.  I’d definitely do it for you though.

Sister Winfred: Children are dying because of you!

The Driz: Shakin’ booty never killed nobody.

Sister Winifred:  Anybody.  (storms off)

Hope: It’s my job as a mother to protect my child I failed.  Twice.

Maura: You said your first baby died.  How can that be your fault?  And Calin, she’s a teenager.  It’s her job to push you away.  It says that she’s strong.  Because of you.

Hope:  Maura, I feel like I’ve already lost my daughter.  Not to this illness, but--

Maura: (taking her hand, maintaining composure)  You haven’t.  I know you haven’t.

Jane: Is that what stopped his heart?

Maura: Well, that’s what was injected into his penis.

(Other diners turn to look)

Jane: You’re gonna get us kicked out of this place.

Maura: Why?  Because I said potassium chloride?  (smirking)

(Reading menu)

Jane: What are baby jewels and gems?

Maura: Lettuce.

Jane: We don’t call those vertical room separators.

Maura: (smiling)  You mean the walls?

Jane: Lett-u-ce.  Pre-ten-tious.  (notices suspect walking)  Oh!  She’s going to the bathroom!

Maura: I’m coming.

Jane: What?! No.

Maura: (urgent whispering)  I have to pee!

Jane: You better be telling the truth.

Maura: All mammals have to pee.

Maura: (applying lipstick in bathroom mirror)  Hi.  It’s safe to talk in front of me.  I’m working on the case too.

Maura: Before we do anything.  May I have one of your hairs with the root ball attached please?

Realtor/Suspect:  What??  Ew.

(Maura potentially offended face)

Maura: YES!!  (smiling seductively)  What are we going to wear??  I have never been a high class hooker before!  (Jane groans and walks away)  What??

Maura: I hate this outfit.

Jane: Would you stop complaining about the outfit already.

Maura: (whiny)  Why couldn’t we dress up like call girls??  They look so cute!

Jane: They have to take their clothes OFF, Maura.

Maura: Oh.

Jane: Let’s find a place for your science kit.

(Guys checking out hookers on surveillance)

Jane: You guys know we can hear you, right?

(Drunk hooker sees Maura in the bathroom; Maura quickly scrambles to hide science kit)

Hooker: Wow.  How’d you get in?

Maura: (posing and smiling)  What do you mean?

Hooker:  You’re like not even a indium.

Maura: AN indium.

Hooker:  So what are you like tin or something?

Jane: We’re like aluminum foil.

Jane: I’m gonna go check out the Leather Room.

Maura:  Leather certainly bears further study.  It’s a historical fetish.  (looks into microscope; Jane walks out)  Think about it.  Corsets, dog collars, (looks up to see she’s alone; keeps talking quietly) whips, belts.

Maura: These are the lab results for the jelly-like substance on Neil’s cloak.  It’s calcium alcitate.

Jane: Otherwise known as…

Maura: (opening front door) Cailin, hi.
Cailin: Do you know what the name Cailin means?

Maura: No.

Cailin: It means uncertain.  That’s the name that my mother picked for me.  Maura means great. 

Maura: Yes, I know. (looks down)

Cailin: That’s the name she picked for you.

Maura: Cailin, please let me explain.

Cailin: Can you explain why (pulling up article on her iPad) you called my mother, out-of-the-blue?  With some bullshit story

Maura: This is very complicated. 

Cailin: She’s trying to bond with me now, since I’m dying.  Ya know.  Makeup for all those years she wasn’t there.

Maura: You’re not going to die.

Cailin: (mock mother tone) Don’t, don’t do what I did, Cailin.  Right.  Like I’m gonna have time to fall in love, (getting choked up) get pregnant, have a baby… hold that baby once before she dies.  You um, you put it back up.  I went snooping.  I found it, in the bathroom. I mean it is my mother isn’t it.  And that’s that’s your gravestone.  Which is weird because you look okay to me.

Maura: Please just let me explain.  I didn’t mean for anything of this t--

Cailin: Do you have any idea what it’s like?!  To grow up in the shadow of a dead baby?!  I was never enough.

Maura: You are more than enough.  She loves you.  I know you think I should have told her.  I should have told the both of you--

Cailin: Yea.  Yea.

Maura: I want to help you.

Cailin: I don’t want YOUR help.  And I don’t want your kidney either.  (off Maura’s face)  Yea… yea I thought that was you.  You just, you don’t get a match like that from a stranger.

Maura: (trying to fight her emotions) Please don’t throw your life away because of what you think of me.

Cailin: I don’t want ANY part of you living in me.

Hope walks in, frenzied.

Hope: Cailin!  What is going on?

Cailin: You followed me?

Hope: Well you took our car.

Cailin: So you called the police?!

Maura: (interrupting, tearful) Hope.  There’s something I need to tell you.  I’m Paddy Doyle’s daughter. 

Hope: What?!

Maura: I’m your daughter.  I know that must be strange to hear.

Hope: Don’t say that.  (pulls Cailin closer)  This is my daughter.

Maura: (crying) Paddy told you that I died at birth.  I am not looking to be your daughter.  I have a mother and a father.  I just wanted you to know--

Hope: Just stop!  I don’t know who you are or what you want, but I’ve had about as much as I can bear.  (pulling on Cailin)  Cailin, honey.  Let’s just go.

(Hope/Cailin leave – Cailin keeps eye contact with Maura; Maura cries)

Jane: I don’t know what to say…

Maura: (crying) Out of all the scenarios I thought of, that was not one of them.

Jane: She’s in denial.  She’s in shock.  Imagine.  How would you react if a grown woman walked up to you and said “how ya doing?  I’m your, dead, baby”?

Maura: (sighing) What about Cailin?  If she doesn’t let me help her, she’ll die.

Jane: Maura, you can’t force your kidney on her.

Maura: (crying) I wish I could… I never, ever, meant to cause them any pain.  It’s just so awful.

Jane: I tried to warn you.  Family sucks.  (offering tissue)  Blow.

Maura: No.  I’m all cried out.  I’m done.  I’m done.  And actually, (poking Jane) I’m a little insulted.

Jane: What’d I do?

Maura: That girl rejected my kidney.

Jane: (appalled)  The nerve.

Maura: It’s a very nice kidney!

Jane: I’m sure it is.  (Maura laughing)  You should keep it.  In YOUR body.  Just sayin.

What was your favorite line/scene/quote from this episode?  Please let me know if I missed it so I can include it too! :) Happy RizzIsles obsessing!!

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