Quotable RizzIsles: Episode 2.03 -- "Sailor Man"

Case: It’s Fleet Week in Boston.  A Sailor is evidently brutally beating and raping young girls.

RizzIsles: Maura wants to sleep with a guy Jane knows from High School and Jane thinks it’s a bad idea then helps her try to get out of it;

Angela: (in response to horns beeping from cars around her) Oh!  Leave them alone!  They’re serving our country!

Jane: Ma, Maura and I are actually the only ones who can hear you. (Maura smiling in back seat)

Angela: Poor boys.  They need a little fun.  It’s Fleet Week.

Jane: (watching a Sailor throw up on the sidewalk) Poor boys need to learn how to hold their alcohol.

Jane: (to Sailor who stopped to wave at Maura) Move along.  Move along.  She’s too young for you.

Angela: I really want to thank you for taking me to brunch.  I know you have better things to do on a Sunday morning.

Maura: Don’t be silly.

Angela: I mean what can be more fun than taking out your broke, homeless mother who’s been dumped by your father?

Jane: Ma, stop.

(Car makes a sound, starts steaming)

Angela: Oh! My car is breaking down too?!  It’s the only thing in my life that’s been working!

Maura: I’m sure it’s fine.

Jane: Or not.  C’mon Maura.  Let’s push.

Maura: We’re gonna push?!  IGood thing I wore my wedges.

Sailors: It’s okay, Ma’am.  We can push.

Maura: Oh thank you.

Jane: He called me Ma’am.

Maura: Female, commissioned officers are addressed as Ma’am.  It’s a sign of respect.

Jane: Sir is a sign of respect.  Ma’am is for fat old cat ladies.

Angela: Are you talking about me?!

Jane: Do you have a cat?!

Angela: No.

Maura: (checking out mechanic) Wow.  Look at his shoulder-to-hip ratio.  Lengthy metacarpals.  You know what that means.

Jane: (putting Maura between her and mechanic) This is my friend, Dr. Isles.

Maura: (flirty) You can call me Maura.  I don’t mind a little grease.

Jane: (positions herself between Maura and guy) What’s a little grease between friends.  Ma’s car died.

Maura: (cranes neck around Jane) Sounds to me like the water pump bearing.

Giovanni: Look at you, all My Cousin Vinny.  Love that.

Maura: (to Jane) He’s hot!

Giovanni: It’s hot?

Maura: Oh the car.

Angela: Taking over for your father like this.  That’s a good son.  Right Jane?!  Good sons make good…

Jane: Mechanics, Ma?

Maura: We have to leave.  I wish I could stay and help you pull the front cover.

Jane: Let’s go.

Maura: How?  We don’t have a car.

Angela: We’ll take a taxi.

Jane: WE are not going to the crime scene.  WE are going home.

Giovanni: Since you’re a gearhead like me, take Giulietta.  (reveals awesome historic car)

Maura: OH!  I would love that.  (excited, thumbs up) COOL!

Jane: (dryly to herself) I would love that.

Jane: No.  Stay away from Giovanni.

Maura: No?  Ohh, this is a dibs thing.

Jane: A dibs thing?  Really?  Tell me what you have in common with him.  He’s a blue collar, Boston, Italian auto mechanic.

Maura: Well so are you, well except for being an auto mechanic and we’re best friends.

Jane: Yes, but I’m INTERESTING.  And you don’t want to sleep with me.  (Maura tilts her head)  Do you?!

Maura: No!  No.  But that’s my point.  That’s all I wanna do with Giovanni.

Jane: I just don’t really think you have the patience for Giovanni’s type.

Maura: Well what’s his type?

Jane: Fun… until he starts to talk.

(Jane starts to walk toward bar)

Maura: I’m coming with you?

Jane: Why?

Maura: You are not the boss of me!  If I want to go out with Giovanni I will go out with him.  …but right now I have to pee.

Bartender: There was one couple.  I remember him because he did that famous Sailor kiss with her.

Maura: The iconic image photographed by Alfred Eisenstaedt on V-J Day. (reenacts pose with Korsak)

Jane: Didn’t you have an emergency?

Maura: Yes I did. (walks off for the bathroom)

Jane: Okay.  I’m not saying that we make her live in a refrigerator box, but she needs to be busy.  She needs to do something.  She needs to feel good about herself.

Jane: (sees Giovanni walking in with flowers and candy) Ohhh VOMIT.  I hate carnations.

Giovanni: Hey, uh, Hey Frankie.  I was wondering--

Jane: If I have a boyfriend?  Yes.  I do.  It’s very serious.

Frankie: You do?!

Giovanni: …if you could tell me where to find Maura.

Giovanni: (looking around Maura’s office) How’d you get stuck with all this old stuff?

Giovanni: I’m not just being nice.  I wanna take you out.  Listen, you like Italian?

Maura: I love Italians. …Italian.  Northern Italian, Southern too, and the food.  (laughs)

Giovanni: Let me take you to dinner.

Maura: It’d be faster if you’d come to my house.

Giovanni: (confused) Faster?

Maura: For me.  It’d be faster for me because I work really long hours.

Giovanni: I love hot women who can cook.  (walks away to leave, Maura checks him out)

Maura: Oookay.  (to herself)  Ohh nice.

(Giovanni growls at a mask she has on her wall)

Jane: Are we the oldest people here?

Bartender: (putting two drinks down) From the two gentlemen at the bar.

Jane: (RizzIsles wave to two YOUNG Sailors) My hand hurts from waiting.  What are they 13?!  They both have acne!

Maura: I think the dark haired one has braces.

Bartender: I’ll use the next one to water the plants.

Maura: No, I don’t like to be rude.

Jane: Is that why you took Giovanni’s velveteen box of chocolates?  Did he get you a stuffed rabbit too?!

Maura: He’s sweet.  (Jane groans)  Umbrellas in drinks started in the 1930s.  Anything Polynesian was considered wildly exotic.

Jane: Unlike Giovanni who is wildly dull.  Why would you say you’d have dinner with him?!

Maura: Because he has a spectacular torso and he’s giving your mom a great deal on her car.

Jane: Well in that case play with him as much as you’d like.

Jane: Solerno is in lockup!

Frankie: Not anymore.  ADMIRAL Frost bailed him out.

Jane: ADMIRAL Frost?!

Jane: (talking to unconscious victim) Can you hear me?  I’m Detective Rizzoli.  You’re safe now and we’re gonna keep you safe.  And we’re gonna find out who did this to you.

Jane: (reading a text) Homey, I need a boner.  (to Maura)  WHAT?!

Maura: Spelling errata.  Your mother really should proof read.  Honey, I need a loaner. 

Jane: Where’s her car, Maura?!  Until Giovanni fixes it I’m her own personal chauffer.

Maura: He’s doing it at cost Jane.

Jane: He’s doing it to get laid, Maura.

Maura: Oh, okay.  Then it’ll be ready tomorrow.

(RizzIsles laughing)

Maura: You and Frost are sight-specific friends.

Jane: Okay, so would we be friends if we didn’t work together.

Maura: We would never see each other if we didn’t work together.

Jane: So that’s a no.

Maura: Well that’s a flawed syllogism.  Ya know like, rabbits have whiskers, rabbits are mammals, so all mammals have whiskers.  Get it?

Jane: Never mind.

Maura: It’s gonna rain.

Jane: Maybe it’s in a painting or on a menu or something.

Maura: Not a menu.  Most cultures don’t eat dolphin.  Although Inuit’s hunt Orca which is a type of dolphin--

Jane: I’m not suggesting we’re looking for a place that serves Flipper.  I’m saying maybe there’s a dolphin in the logo.

Maura: I’m sorry I didn’t have time to cook.  (unpacking takeout)  Mussels posolipo, beef carpaccio with a black truffle oil, and fettucini a la grappa with organic baby tomatoes.  (Giovanni groans)  You don’t like this?

Giovanni: I don’t like little tomatoes.

Maura: We can pick them off.

Giovanni: My Ma makes the best plain spaghetti with butter.

Maura: (exasperated, maintaining composure)  Let’s have a glass of wine instead.

Giovanni: You got any beer.

Maura: Yes.  (hands it to him)  Let’s get comfortable.  (watches him guzzle whole bottle then burp; then smiles and follows him to couch and sits)

Maura: I was noticing your necklace.

Giovanni: Yea, wards off the friggin malocchio.

Maura: Ah, the evil eye of course.

Giovanni: I’ll get you one.

Maura: Thank you.  It’s um.  No thank you.

Giovanni: Okay.  You look hot.  (puts beer down, moves closer to her)  Smell hot too.

Maura: Thank you.  (moves closer)

Giovanni: I love talking to you.  I could talk to you all night.  (runs fingers over her knee)  But right now babe, all I want to do is get you naked and lick your face.

Maura: (stoic) Like my face.

Giovanni: Come to Daddy. 

(He lunges in for a kiss, mouth WIDE open; Maura looks TERRIFIED; turns whole body away at the last second)

Giovanni: What’s the matter?

Maura: I’m sorry.  I feel a little nauseated.

Giovanni: Whoa!  (quickly slides away)  Don’t barf on me.  It’s a new shirt.  (Off Maura’s look of disbelief, moves closer again)  Oh, hey, hey, I’m sorry.  Go ahead.  I bet even your (rubs his nose on her shoulder) barf is cute.

Korsak: (as Maura walks in)  Hey Doc.  You’re working late.

Jane: Hey.  Your buddy notice anything other than your cleavage?

Maura: Uh, Jane.  (serious face)  He wanted to lick my face.  (Korsak and Frost’s ears perk up)

Jane: (dryly) So surprised.  You mean he didn’t take you to see the Boston Pops and a four course pre-fix at Les blahfleur.

Maura: No, no.  He likes plain spaghetti.  I just wanted to sleep with him.  If only he didn’t talk.

Jane: Or have a face licking fetish?

Maura: UGH.  He keeps texting and leaving messages.  He put my picture up on his Facebook page.  How do I get rid of him?

Jane: Tell him the truth.

Maura: (sighs) I can’t.  He’s, he’s sweet.

Jane: Well then go have Little Giovanni’s with him, just make sure you can genetically alter them so they don’t lick… or talk.  (Maura laughs)

Maura: (rushing into café holding GIANT pink bear) There you are!  I need your help.

Jane: Well I like your bear.  Did Giovanni win that for you at the carnival?

Maura: It’s not funny.  He seems to be under some impression that we are in a relationship.

Jane: Well tell him that you were only interested in sleeping with him (Korsak’s ears perk up) and then you became uninterested when he tried to be a person and have a conversation.

Maura: He says he’s waiting on “special parts” for your mother’s car.

Jane: Okay.

Maura: Yea, what if he means MY (pointing) parts??

Korsak: I don’t think this is police business.

Jane: Alright look, the next time I tell you don’t, DON’T.  Okay?  Go do the second autopsy, I have an idea.

Maura: (perked up) Really??

Jane: Yea.

Maura: (smiling) Thank you.  Thank you.  Thank you!  (kisses bear to Jane’s face, Jane wipes it off)

(Maura conducting autopsy and sharing findings with Korsak; she sees Jane and Giovanni thru window)

Maura: (surprised) Giovanni.

Giovanni: You look hot. (fake flattered smile from Maura)  I left you a bunch of messages.  Did you get the bear?

(Maura gapes at Jane, helplessly)

Jane: (very slow and deliberate) Isn’t it interesting what Dr. Isles does for a living?  (Maura starts looking around her) She dissects dead bodies.  (Maura puts face screen on, grabs saw to continue working; Jane talks over saw)  Believe me.  This part you don’t wanna see.

Giovanni: (excited) Oh man this is wicked!  It’s like Dawn of the Dead in here!  (Maura makes displeased face)  I mean this here is better than zombies.  This is great.  (Jane grabs his arm to drag him out)  No, I wanna watch this!  Hey, you look great with a saw!  Sexy!

(Maura and Korsak shake their heads)

Maura: (Jane walks into her office alone) Is he gone?!

Jane: Not really.  He’s like a bedbug.

Maura: Hard to eradicate.

Jane: YES! (Maura nods along)

Frankie: Oh, hey Jane. (holding a casserole dish)

Jane: Is that Ma’s chicken pot pie?

Frankie: Yea, she wanted Maura to try it.

Jane: It was YOU!  You got her the job in the café!

Frankie: She needed a job, he needed an assistant.

Jane: With Stanilla the Hun?!  Really Frankie?!

Maura: Mmm!  This is delicious, Jane!

Jane: I know (grabbing fork from Frankie) she’s a really good cook. 

Maura: There’s 27 grams of sugar in that!

Jane: I told you not to move!

Frankie: No, you said to stay in the car.  (grins and laughs)

Jane: Nice move little brother!

Giovanni: Heeyy, you’re lookin--

Jane: Hot, yea I know.  I appreciate you working on my mom’s car, I really do.  I’m calling a tow truck and I’m gonna take it from here.  (Giovanni closes hood to reveal “finished” car)  OH MY GOD!

Giovanni: You like, huh?  (proudly)

Maura: What were you thinking?!

Giovanni: Oh, man, I never think I just do, ya know?

Maura: Yea, I do!

Giovanni: Restored the driver’s seat.  Installed a cooler heater setup. 

Maura: (shocked) You added spinners!

Giovanni: (kicks the spinners) Racing stripe too!  Just finished installing the water pump.  Hey, (flirty) you said you wanted to uh, help me under the hood, huh?

Maura: (uncomfortable smile) I think that, I think that, I think that we should just, tell him, don’t you… babe?

Jane: (catching on, walks up behind Maura and wraps her arms around her) Yes.  Yes I do, Babe.  (Maura puts her hands over Jane’s)  Tell him.

Giovanni: Tell me what?

Maura: I really truly enjoyed your company.  But Jane and I… we’re, um, umm…

Jane: Best friends. (giving Giovanni a look)  Like, more than b-f-f’s.  We’re, L-L, b-f-f’s.

Maura: Exactly.  We’re el-biffs. 

Jane: (trying to not roll her eyes) Yes.  We are… (thinking) Life, Long, Best Friends Forever.  Get it?

Giovanni: Oh.  …ohhhh.  Are you two batting for the other team?

Jane: We are.

Giovanni: Shoot.  That bear cost me 14 bucks, not to mention the pepper.  That was extra.

Maura: I’ll reimburse you.  For the bear.  And for the candy.  And, um, how much for Angela’s car?

Jane: Oh babe.

Giovanni: Nah, your Ma was so good to me growing up.  I can’t charge her.

Maura: Not even for the spinners? (Jane clears her throat)

Giovanni: Nah, just tell her she can bring me some cookies.  (walks away, comes back)  It’s too bad… I thought we were soulmates.

Maura: (genuinely confused and inquisitive) Really?  You really thought we had a deep, natural affinity for each other? 

Jane: (dragging Maura) C’mon Maura.

Maura: Really? (she gets in car, Jane closes door and walks around)

Giovanni: Ya know, I always wanted to try it with two girls.

Maura: Well that’s really nice.

Jane: Very nice.  Wonderful.  Great seeing you.

Giovanni: Okay sure.  But if you change your mind…

Jane: We’ll let ya know.