Quotable RizzIsles: Episode 2.06 -- "Rebel Without a Pause"

Case: A “solider” is killed during a Revolutionary War reenactment

RizzIsles: Maura’s mother comes to town and disappoints her with cancelled plans and not seeing her enough; Jane gets very protective seeing Maura hurt by her mother

Maura: Making croissants seems daunting but really it’s as easy as making coq au vin.

Angela: I can’t believe it takes two days!

Jane: Hey Julia Child, I can buy a tube of those crescent things and serve ‘em to ya in 20 minutes.  (yelling at baseball game)

Maura: Why are you yelling?  You can’t change the outcome.

Jane: Really?  I thought I could.

Maura: That would require crossing the space time continuum.

Angela: Go get the hand vacuum and clean up your couch crumbs.

Jane: Ma, I’m trying to relax.

Angela: And we are trying to get ready for a guest.  (through gritted teeth) Help out!

Jane: (Gets off couch, joins Maura and Angela in the kitchen) C’mon Maura.  You’ll give yourself an ulcer.  It’s not royalty, it’s your mom.

Maura: Ulcers are caused by aged polori.  Bacteria.

Jane: Or critical mothers.

Angela: I’m not critical.  (Jane smirks and bites her lip)  Am I?

Maura: She’s never been to my house before.

Angela: Never?  (Maura sweetly smiles, shakes her head)  Well what do you do when she visits Boston?

Maura: We just  (slightly hesitates) usually go to one of my parent’s homes in Europe.  (Jane and Angela exchange an “OH” look)  Those tulips are wilting already!

Jane: (dripping with sarcasm) Yes, I can see why you’re so ashamed of this hideous place.  Forcing her to stay in that disgusting guest house.

Angela: What are you talking about?  It’s lovely.

Jane: (realization comes across her face) Wait a minute!  If your mom is in the guest house, (to Angela) where are you staying?

Angela: With you of course!  (Makes kissing sounds, leans to kiss Jane, Jane obligatorily lets her)

Jane: Fine.  But just know I don’t serve coq au vin I serve coco (smirking) puffs.

Angela: (laughing) I know.

(RizzIsles get called to a scene)

Maura: (taking apron off) I haven’t even had a chance to order the organic pigs’ trotters.

Jane: (seriously) Are those f--, I’m not eating feet.

Jane: (touching Maura’s hip) C’mon.

Maura: (looking at Jane) You should change.

Jane: Alright.  I’ll change in the car.

Maura: (seriously) Then I’m driving.

Jane: Aw c’mon.  I hate it when you drive.

Maura: Well I hate it more when you undress and drive.

Jane: (reading Victim’s ID) He was a garbage man.  Maybe it wasn’t an accident.  Maybe someone wanted him dead.

Maura: Perhaps it was someone who didn’t like to recycle.  (proud smile)

Jane: (in disbelief)  Was that a joke?

Maura: (quickly glances at Homicide Team) Only if it’s funny.

(RizzIsles discussing victim’s injury)

Jane: Maura.  Shot or stabbed?  Or did somebody chew on his hip?

Maura: Oh, I don’t think that’s from a bite.

Maura: Fascinating.  He was a Smitty!  Blacksmith.

Jane: (whispering) Maura, it’s pretend.

Frankie: Perimeter’s secured.  What next?

Jane: I’ll have a coffee.  Two sugars.  Black.

Frost: Oh, make that two.

Maura: Cappuccino, please?  But only if there’s 1% milk.

Jane: Good think you’re not picky.

Frankie: Hey, I’m trying to make Detective not become a Barista.

Frost: Bro.  You know how many coffee runs I had to make working my way up?

Korsak: Nothing for me, but if you hustle those coffees up I’ll let you help me with witness statements.

Frankie: Deal.

Reenactment Guy: I was merely attempting to move this artillery piece out of your way.  Commanding Officer General Ezekiel Parker of the 16^th Brigade.

Jane: I’m Martha Washington.  Let me see your driver’s license.

General: Sure.  Of course.

Jane: Dwayne Kravitz.  No wonder you went with Parker.

Maura: (comes running over, extends hand to General) It’s such a pleasure to meet you.  Dr. Maura Isles.  Professor Kravitz is a leading authority on Colonialism.  I’m a huge fan.

Jane: You’re a huge fan of Colonialism?

Maura: No, of course not.  He’s also the Chair of American History at Boston Cambridge University.

General: Good Doctor, your words flatter me.  (Flirty smile from Maura)

Jane: (looks General up and down with disdain)  I like your pretend accent.

Maura: It’s quite authentic.  Colonial Americans spoke Roddick English in a variety of regional dialects… Scott’s Irish, West Country.

Jane: (mutters) Where is the coffee?

Korsak: (hand on his chest, drops it) Hey doc I was wondering, uh--

Maura: Are you alright?

Korsak: Yea.  Buddy of mine’s been having some chest pain.

Maura: Didn’t you just have a physical?

Korsak: How’d you know it was me?  (Maura head tilt, smile)  Doctor says I’m fine, so why am I short of breath?  I’ve been eating better, getting some exercise and I feel worse.

Maura: Are you experiencing dizziness, lightheadedness? 

Korsak: Maybe a little.

Maura: (nods) I want you to see a cardiac specialist.

(Morgue door opens, Korsak motions to keep quiet)

Jane: (to Maura who is walking with her iPad out)  C’mon Maura.  Shoe sale about to close?

Maura: I’m plugging in empirical data to back extrapolate the pre-impact orientation of the bullet.

Jane: Okay.  See that laser?  It does the same thing.

Maura: I’m very good at trigonometry.

Jane: What a relief.

Maura: Once you input the type of bullet, approximate the density of the cannon… it appears the shooter was 243.84cm off the ground.

Jane: Oh you mean up there?  (pointing to tree where laser is pointing)

Maura: Excuse e moi.  (slips heels off, addresses Frost)  Can you give me a boost?

Frost: Oh, uh, okay.

Jane: Maura!  No.  Frost!  I can get the Crime Scene Techs here, alright?

Maura: (climbing tree, smiling) Oh no.  I was Best Tree Climber year 6 at my Boarding School.  Detective Frost, can you hand me my kit?

Frost: Yea.  Here ya go.

Jane: You look ridiculous.

Maura: I’m collecting forensic evidence.  Give me ridiculousness or give me death.

Jane: (smirking) Jokes are supposed to be funny.  Remember, Thomas Payne?

Maura: Patrick Henry.

General: Sugar was a true luxury item in 1774.

Jane: Imagine what they would’ve charged for splenda.

Maura: (answers phone while walking) What?!  No!  Yes.  Okay, yes.  Bye.

Jane: UPS lose your shoes?

Maura: No, it’s my mother.  She’s a day early.  She caught a ride in a friend’s jet.

Jane: (at a loss) Those pesky jets.

Maura: Oh my God!  What are we gonna do?!  (Lamaze breathing)

Jane: Well first of all, stop doing that.

Maura: Pig’s trotters take two days to marinate!  (panicking) And we’re in the middle of a case!  What do I do?!  (puts two fingers to her neck)  Vaso constriction.  Hypo capia.

Jane: Okay.  Please.  Get a hold of yourself.  C’mon.  (leading Maura into headquarters)  Alright.

Jane: (to Angela) Stanley around?

Angela: No, he took a personal day.

Jane: Good.  Can you cook a 3 course dinner here?

Maura: 11.

Jane: ELEVEN?!

Maura: Hors d’oeuvre, portage, porsant, entrees--

Jane: Sandwiches, peanut butter and fluff or takeout.

Maura: What about releve, sorbet, rotelegume.

Jane: Oh sure, Maur, we’ll just call Stanley in.

Maura: (panicked breathing again, fingers to neck)  Okay.  Chef Renault.  From Misone della’ Mer.  He will help.  You just tell him that it’s for me.  (hands Angela her AMEX)

Angela: Sure.

Jane: Hey!  You want some more practice at Detective work?

Frankie: You want pizza or a sub?

Jane: (laughing)  I want you to answer my phone for me.

Maura: (inspecting place settings on table) My mother is famous for her dinner parties.

Angela: The apple didn’t fall far from the tree.

Maura: Oh no, I couldn’t possibly live up to her.  I mean, she’ll spot takeout in a second.

Angela: Stop worrying!  You’re the perfect daughter!  (Jane walks in)  And you’re late!

Jane: I’m not perfect.  Darn.  (puts box on table)  Cannolis.

Angela: (gasps) What are you doing?!  (picking up pastry box) We already have dessert.  Besides, cannolis aren’t sophisticated.

Jane: Well neither are we.  I got ‘em for you.

Angela: Oh.  (warm smile)  You got them for me?

Jane: Yea.

Angela: You’re the perfect daughter.

(Doorbell rings)

Angela: Okay, don’t worry.

Jane: (gently grabs Maura’s elbow as she walks by fussing) You look beautiful, c’mon.

Maura: (stops before the door, looks back at Rizzoli women, smiles and mouths “Okay?”)  Hello mother.

Constance: Hello darling.  You look well.

Maura: (smiles, softly breathes her words) Thank you.

Jane: (mumbling to Angela) Country mice meet city mice.

Angela: Oh my God, she’s gorgeous!  Stand up straight, Jane.

Jane: Oh crap!  I got cannoli oil on my shirt!

Jane and Angela: Hello!

Angela: I find that fascinating.

Jane: What do you know about post-war modernism?

Angela: I know a lot about the objectification of the (gesturing hour glass shape of woman) female form.

Jane: Good point.  (laughs)

Angela: (mumbling) Elbows off the table.

Jane: What?  (readjusts quickly) Oh.  (mouths to Angela) I thought I was perfect.

Jane: (sincerely) It’s so great that you found time in your busy schedule to come here to Boston and visit your daughter.

Constance: Oh, I’m actually here for an installation opening.

(Maura keeps a smile on her face, looks down)

Maura: Let’s have dessert.  I made (something French).  Your favorite.  (Constance smiles stiffly)

Jane: (hint of sarcasm) Try a cannoli.  They’re my Ma’s favorite.

Constance: (speaks French to Maura; Jane shoots Angela an annoyed look)

Maura: She says she’s sorry.

Jane: She’s tired.  Yes, I know.

Maura: I didn’t know you spoke French.

Jane: I read body language.  (Angela kicks her under the table)

Constance: (rising from table) It was lovely to meet you both.

Jane: You too.

Maura: (aside to her mother)  I thought you were staying.  I prepared the Guest Houst for you.

Constance: Darling, didn’t I mention?  The gallery organized for me to stay at the Ritz.  And I already checked in.

Maura: (hurt look on her face, then a quick smile) Of course.

Constance:  But I will see you tomorrow evening for the welcoming dinner, and you’ll be my date.

Maura: (sincere, sweet smile) Sounds lovely.

Constance: (to Jane and Angela) Please come to the opening.  Just call the gallery and have them put you on the list.

Jane: The list?  Yea, sure.

Jane: (struggling to comfort Maura) Wow.  She is, so, um, put together.

Maura: (whispering) She’s, hard to get to know.

Jane: Oh, I think I got a pretty good idea.

Jane: (to Angela cleaning the kitchen) Ma, really?!  With the pots and the pans?!  Cincinnati can hear you!  (quietly to Maura)  See?  You could have that for a mother.  Nosy, and loud.

Maura: (sadly) Warm.  Involved.

Jane: (softly) The grass is always greener.

Maura: Yea.  (closes her eyes, hand to her head)

Jane: You know, I used to dream that I was adopted.

Maura: (sadly) Really?

Jane: Yea.  And my pretend mom was chic and glamorous, and educated.

Maura: I always wondered what it’d be like to have a mother who cut the crust off my sandwiches.

Jane: An-noy-ing.

(RizzIsles warm, sad smiles)

Maura: (laughing) I think they should call him the sniper who couldn’t shoot straight.  Get it?  Because he keeps missing?

Jane: (smiling) Yea, it’s funny.  It’s a good joke, Maur.

Maura: (surprised) Really?  (off Jane’s face)  Oh.  Oh.

Jane: Who is this guy?!  Snipers shoot to kill!  This guy’s missed people both times.  Is he trying to send a message?!

Maura: The message is perfectly clear: I need target practice.  (proudly smiles and laughs)

Jane: Okay.  You do your job so I can do mine.

Maura: (straight face, slightly annoyed) Yes.  Of course, Detective.

Jane: (softly)  Maura, I’m sorry.

Maura: It’s not you.

Jane: Is it your mother?

Maura: (deep breath)  It’s just, it’s hard to have her here and not see her.  Ya know, when I was little, I wanted to be with her all the time. 

Jane: I wanted to be on Mars.  Alone.  (mock mother tone)  Jane, did you do your homework?  Jane, did you clean your room?  Jane, Ja--.  (Maura smiles with adoration)  I mean, she LIVES to hover.  The woman was a helicopter mother before they even invented the term.  C’mon… let’s get you ready for your artsy fartsy dinner with your globe-trotting mother.

(RizzIsles both get calls from their mothers)

Jane: My mother’s having a bird emergency.

Maura: Mine’s changing dinner plans.  C’mon, let’s go help.

Angela: So I went to check up on Starsky, after the lunch rush.

Jane: You took care of a sick parakeet around food?

Angela: Of course not!  I put him by a sack of yams in the pantry.  You, you’ve gotta help me.  Sergeant Korsak will never forgive me if something happens to him.

Maura: (Looks into box, closes lid)  Can you get me a bowl of hot water and some towels?

Angela: Okay. (walking away)

Jane: Can you really save him?

Maura: No!  I just didn’t want your mother to see him die.  Looks like Avian Flu.

Jane: (jumping backwards)  Avian Flu?!  What the hell?!

Maura: (looking back into box)  You can only contract it if you ingest his feces or give him mouth-to-mouth.

Jane: (holding hand up) Stop.

Maura: Korsak’s here.  (walks into back with bird, Jane distracts him)

Jane: Well, it’s a, bad time.  Ma is giving him a bird bath.  (“REALLY?!” face from Maura in the background)  But the wake, we should go.

Korsak: We have to wear period costumes or they won’t let us in.

Maura: I have wonderful contacts at the historical society.

Jane: No, you can’t go.  You have dinner with your mom.  (Off Maura’s face)  Or no you don’t.  She called and cancelled didn’t she?

Maura: (at a momentary loss, dejected face) It’s not her fault.  The dinner was a private affair.  No guests. 

Korsak: You’re not a guest!  You’re her daughter!

(Maura sadly looks down, Jane shoots Korsak a look)

Jane: You should come with us.  Okay, it’d be great to have your, historical, society, contacts.

Jane: Where’s Starsky?  (Maura pats her lab coat pocket)  He’s dead?  And you put him in your—ugghhh.  Where’s Ma?

Maura: I told her I’d take care of him.

Jane: You lied.

Maura: (offended) No!  No, I just didn’t say that I was taking care of his funeral arrangements.

(Homicide Team and Maura enter wake dressed in 1700’s attire)

Jane: I can’t believe I let you talk me into wearing this!  I don’t think this thing’s been washed since 1776.

Maura: You’re just not used to the woolsy fabric.  I told you to wear the silk polynese.

Jane: Oh yea, the whale bones digging into my bones would’ve been much more comfortable.

Maura: (raising her “glass” for the toast) It’s like we stepped back in time.  (sips beer, spits it out)  18^th Century beer sucks!

Jane: (laughing)  You made a joke!

Korsak: Your mother’s a regular Florence Nightingale, Jane.  It’s a miracle what she did.  Starsky’s never looked better!

Jane: Starsky’s better?!

Korsak: You look surprised.

Jane: M—no.  She does have a healer’s touch.  (Korsak puts cracker into his mouth)  Yum.  What are we eating now?  What is that, dirt covered Styrofoam?!

Korsak: Low carb, gluten free, high fiber.

Jane: Ew, no thank you.  (pushes back; Maura walks in all dressed up)  Oh!  Why are we so fancy?!

Maura: I am going to my mother’s gallery opening.

Jane: Oh, she gonna put you on the list?

Maura: We can get in.

Jane: Who’s “we”?

Maura: (grabs cracker box from Korsak) How long have you been eating these?

Korsak: Couple weeks.  Part of my whole new health regime.

Maura: (laughs)  It’s not a heart attack, Sergeant.

Jane and Frost: WHAT?!

Maura: It’s gas.  And given the fiber content, I imagine quite a lot.

Frost: (laughs)  He’s been making enough to float the Hindenburg.

Maura: (laughs)  Hydrogen gas was unfairly blamed for that.  Human gas is actually a mixture.  Hydrogen, carbon dioxide, methane.  Most people produce about a half a liter a day.

Jane: (laughing)  Well exactly how much fart gas is Korsak making?

Maura: Probably, (giggles) twice that amount.

(Jane and Frost push their chairs back)

Korsak: Would you rather I had a heart attack?!

Maura: Just stay away from those crackers and beans and you’ll be fine.  (to Jane, sweetly)  I was hoping you’d go to the installation with me.

Jane: Oh, god, Maura.  I, I wish I could, but, no.

Frost: She loves Modern Art!  (smirking)  Ya know what, Jane, we got this.  You go.

Korsak: Yea go.  We know how much you like (Maura smiles excitedly) these fresh ideas and crazy colors and cubes and things.

Maura: (poking Jane, smile beaming) I’m so glad you’ve opened your mind to it.

Frost: You two have fun now.

Jane: (beaming sarcastic smile) Thanks guys.  (stands up and leaves with Maura)

Jane: How did Starsky make such a miraculous recovery?

Maura: Luckily the pet store carries parakeets.

Door guy at Gallery: I’m sorry, this is a private gathering.

Jane: Oh, this is Dr. Maura Isles.  She’s the artist’s daughter.  (guy searches list)  Really?!  She couldn’t even be bothered to put you on the list.

Maura: She was busy.  She said she’d try.

Guy: (checking list) Yea, I don’t see you.

Jane: (holding up badge) See me now?!  Detective Jane Rizzoli.

Guy: Yea.  (moves out of way)  Go ahead.

Jane: Hanging water bottles is art?!

Maura: It’s an iconic representation of the deconstruction of our food chain as a symbol of neo urbanity.

Jane: I could do that.

Maura: Yes, but then it wouldn’t be art.  (smiling)

Constance: Hello darling!  You made it!

Jane: Sorry we had to crash.  Your daughter wasn’t on the list.

Constance: Oh sorry.  (to Maura)  Sorry.

Maura: (gesturing to hanging water bottles) Mother, it’s exquisite.  It’s both witty and full of pathos.

Constance: It is, isn’t it.

Jane: Oh, it is.

Constance: So nice to see you again, Jane.

Jane: You too.  Maura, would you mind getting us something to drink?  I’d love to get to know your mother better.  (suspicious look from Maura)

Maura: (smiles) Um, sure.  Excuse me. (walks away)

Constance: Nice of you to come.

Jane: Thank you.  I love your hanging water bottles.  They make me feel very guilty and I’ll never buy water again.

Constance: I can see why Maura likes you.  You’re direct.  It’s kind of refreshing.

Jane: I’m protective.  Maura’s my best friend.

Constance: I sense, um, that there’s something you’d like to say to me.

Jane: Yea.  There is.  I don’t like seeing my best friend hurt.

Constance: You think I hurt her?

Jane: (in disbelief) Not staying with her.  Cancelling dinner.  Forgetting to put her on the list or your installation-- yea.  I think that hurts her.

Constance: She’s the Chief Medical Examiner.  She has her own life.  You’re both out there working an important case.  It’s all over the news.  I don’t want to be in her way.  (Jane rolls her eyes)  She must know how proud I am of her.  How much I love her.

Jane: Not really the signals you’re sending.  It seems to me like you were too busy while she was growing up and now you’re blaming her for being too busy.

Constance: (hurt, regretful look)  I was, I was never any good at it.

Jane: At what?

Constance: Being a mother.  I feel like I just, I missed so much.

Jane: (sincerely)  Why don’t you just tell her that?

(Gallery Guy comes to escort Constance to a podium)

Constance: Would you excuse me?  (walks away)

(Eating peanuts at the Dirty Robber)

Angela: You cannot believe how healthy Starsky is!

Jane: Didn’t you find he had more turquoise feathers after he recovered?  (Maura kicks her under the table)  Ouch!

Angela: What’s the matter?

Jane: Gas, pains.  (shoots Maura a look)

Angela: Really?

Maura: (seeing her mother walk into the bar) My mother’s here.  I thought she was in Paris. 

Jane: (matter of factly) She forgot to say goodbye.  (Smiles at Maura; Maura and Angela smile back adoringly)

Constance: May I join you?

Maura: (warm smile, standing up) Mother.  What a lovely surprise!

Constance: Hello darling.  I couldn’t go without seeing you one more time.

Maura: (beaming, takes her mother in) Sit.

Jane: (clearing peanuts off table) Um, here.

Constance: Oh don’t worry, don’t worry.  I’m not THAT fussy.  (Angela hands her a napkin; Constance cleans table)

Jane: Hm, strange.  I wonder where Maura gets it.  (clears throat)  You like greasy hamburgers?

Constance: Actually, I’d love a hamburger.  It’s been years.  (Maura smiles, stunned)

Jane: Good.  This place has really good ones ever since the Health Department shut it down.

Constance: The Health Department?

Jane: Mmhm.

Maura: Mom, it’s a joke.  She likes to kid.

Constance: (seeing waitress bring food to another table)  Milkshake.  I haven’t had one for ages.  Oh god, I love them.

Maura: (looks to Jane, then back)  Really?  I, I didn’t know that.

Constance: No?

Angela: I would like one.  Strawberry.

Jane: Since when do you like milkshakes?

Angela: (gritting teeth) Since now.

Jane: Alright, I’m having a beer.

Constance: A beer milkshake?

Jane: Yes!  Um, yes.  A Beer Milkshake.  It’s what all the mooks here in Boston drink.

Angela: Okay, okay.  She’s kidding.  She’s kidding.  It’s another joke. 

Jane: (Constance smiles)  I can certainly see the family resemblance.

Maura: I can see the family resemblance too.

Angela: (excited) You do?

Maura: Yes!  The two of you are so much alike!  (Jane kicks her under the table)  OW!

Angela and Constance: What is it?

Jane and Maura: Nothing.

GIFs not mine >> I save awesome stuff after I reblog