Friday, October 5, 2012

Quotable RizzIsles: Episode 2.06 -- "Rebel Without a Pause"

Case: A “solider” is killed during a Revolutionary War reenactment
RizzIsles: Maura’s mother comes to town and disappoints her with cancelled plans and not seeing her enough; Jane gets very protective seeing Maura hurt by her mother

Maura: Making croissants seems daunting but really it’s as easy as making coq au vin.
Angela: I can’t believe it takes two days!
Jane: Hey Julia Child, I can buy a tube of those crescent things and serve ‘em to ya in 20 minutes.  (yelling at baseball game)
Maura: Why are you yelling?  You can’t change the outcome.
Jane: Really?  I thought I could.
Maura: That would require crossing the space time continuum.

Angela: Go get the hand vacuum and clean up your couch crumbs.
Jane: Ma, I’m trying to relax.
Angela: And we are trying to get ready for a guest.  (through gritted teeth) Help out!

Jane: (Gets off couch, joins Maura and Angela in the kitchen) C’mon Maura.  You’ll give yourself an ulcer.  It’s not royalty, it’s your mom.
Maura: Ulcers are caused by aged polori.  Bacteria.
Jane: Or critical mothers.
Angela: I’m not critical.  (Jane smirks and bites her lip)  Am I?
Maura: She’s never been to my house before.
Angela: Never?  (Maura sweetly smiles, shakes her head)  Well what do you do when she visits Boston?
Maura: We just  (slightly hesitates) usually go to one of my parent’s homes in Europe.  (Jane and Angela exchange an “OH” look)  Those tulips are wilting already!
Jane: (dripping with sarcasm) Yes, I can see why you’re so ashamed of this hideous place.  Forcing her to stay in that disgusting guest house.
Angela: What are you talking about?  It’s lovely.
Jane: (realization comes across her face) Wait a minute!  If your mom is in the guest house, (to Angela) where are you staying?
Angela: With you of course!  (Makes kissing sounds, leans to kiss Jane, Jane obligatorily lets her)
Jane: Fine.  But just know I don’t serve coq au vin I serve coco (smirking) puffs.
Angela: (laughing) I know.

(RizzIsles get called to a scene)
Maura: (taking apron off) I haven’t even had a chance to order the organic pigs’ trotters.
Jane: (seriously) Are those f--, I’m not eating feet.

Jane: (touching Maura’s hip) C’mon.
Maura: (looking at Jane) You should change.
Jane: Alright.  I’ll change in the car.
Maura: (seriously) Then I’m driving.
Jane: Aw c’mon.  I hate it when you drive.
Maura: Well I hate it more when you undress and drive.

Jane: (reading Victim’s ID) He was a garbage man.  Maybe it wasn’t an accident.  Maybe someone wanted him dead.
Maura: Perhaps it was someone who didn’t like to recycle.  (proud smile)
Jane: (in disbelief)  Was that a joke?
Maura: (quickly glances at Homicide Team) Only if it’s funny.

(RizzIsles discussing victim’s injury)
Jane: Maura.  Shot or stabbed?  Or did somebody chew on his hip?
Maura: Oh, I don’t think that’s from a bite.

Maura: Fascinating.  He was a Smitty!  Blacksmith.
Jane: (whispering) Maura, it’s pretend.

Frankie: Perimeter’s secured.  What next?
Jane: I’ll have a coffee.  Two sugars.  Black.
Frost: Oh, make that two.
Maura: Cappuccino, please?  But only if there’s 1% milk.
Jane: Good think you’re not picky.
Frankie: Hey, I’m trying to make Detective not become a Barista.
Frost: Bro.  You know how many coffee runs I had to make working my way up?
Korsak: Nothing for me, but if you hustle those coffees up I’ll let you help me with witness statements.
Frankie: Deal.

Reenactment Guy: I was merely attempting to move this artillery piece out of your way.  Commanding Officer General Ezekiel Parker of the 16th Brigade.
Jane: I’m Martha Washington.  Let me see your driver’s license.
General: Sure.  Of course.
Jane: Dwayne Kravitz.  No wonder you went with Parker.
Maura: (comes running over, extends hand to General) It’s such a pleasure to meet you.  Dr. Maura Isles.  Professor Kravitz is a leading authority on Colonialism.  I’m a huge fan.
Jane: You’re a huge fan of Colonialism?
Maura: No, of course not.  He’s also the Chair of American History at Boston Cambridge University.
General: Good Doctor, your words flatter me.  (Flirty smile from Maura)
Jane: (looks General up and down with disdain)  I like your pretend accent.
Maura: It’s quite authentic.  Colonial Americans spoke Roddick English in a variety of regional dialects… Scott’s Irish, West Country.
Jane: (mutters) Where is the coffee?

Korsak: (hand on his chest, drops it) Hey doc I was wondering, uh--
Maura: Are you alright?
Korsak: Yea.  Buddy of mine’s been having some chest pain.
Maura: Didn’t you just have a physical?
Korsak: How’d you know it was me?  (Maura head tilt, smile)  Doctor says I’m fine, so why am I short of breath?  I’ve been eating better, getting some exercise and I feel worse.
Maura: Are you experiencing dizziness, lightheadedness? 
Korsak: Maybe a little.
Maura: (nods) I want you to see a cardiac specialist.
(Morgue door opens, Korsak motions to keep quiet)

Jane: (to Maura who is walking with her iPad out)  C’mon Maura.  Shoe sale about to close?
Maura: I’m plugging in empirical data to back extrapolate the pre-impact orientation of the bullet.
Jane: Okay.  See that laser?  It does the same thing.
Maura: I’m very good at trigonometry.
Jane: What a relief.
Maura: Once you input the type of bullet, approximate the density of the cannon… it appears the shooter was 243.84cm off the ground.
Jane: Oh you mean up there?  (pointing to tree where laser is pointing)
Maura: Excuse e moi.  (slips heels off, addresses Frost)  Can you give me a boost?
Frost: Oh, uh, okay.
Jane: Maura!  No.  Frost!  I can get the Crime Scene Techs here, alright?
Maura: (climbing tree, smiling) Oh no.  I was Best Tree Climber year 6 at my Boarding School.  Detective Frost, can you hand me my kit?
Frost: Yea.  Here ya go.
Jane: You look ridiculous.
Maura: I’m collecting forensic evidence.  Give me ridiculousness or give me death.
Jane: (smirking) Jokes are supposed to be funny.  Remember, Thomas Payne?
Maura: Patrick Henry.

General: Sugar was a true luxury item in 1774.
Jane: Imagine what they would’ve charged for splenda.

Maura: (answers phone while walking) What?!  No!  Yes.  Okay, yes.  Bye.
Jane: UPS lose your shoes?
Maura: No, it’s my mother.  She’s a day early.  She caught a ride in a friend’s jet.
Jane: (at a loss) Those pesky jets.
Maura: Oh my God!  What are we gonna do?!  (Lamaze breathing)
Jane: Well first of all, stop doing that.
Maura: Pig’s trotters take two days to marinate!  (panicking) And we’re in the middle of a case!  What do I do?!  (puts two fingers to her neck)  Vaso constriction.  Hypo capia.
Jane: Okay.  Please.  Get a hold of yourself.  C’mon.  (leading Maura into headquarters)  Alright.

Jane: (to Angela) Stanley around?
Angela: No, he took a personal day.
Jane: Good.  Can you cook a 3 course dinner here?
Maura: 11.
Jane: ELEVEN?!
Maura: Hors d’oeuvre, portage, porsant, entrees--
Jane: Sandwiches, peanut butter and fluff or takeout.
Maura: What about releve, sorbet, rotelegume.
Jane: Oh sure, Maur, we’ll just call Stanley in.
Maura: (panicked breathing again, fingers to neck)  Okay.  Chef Renault.  From Misone della’ Mer.  He will help.  You just tell him that it’s for me.  (hands Angela her AMEX)
Angela: Sure.

Jane: Hey!  You want some more practice at Detective work?
Frankie: You want pizza or a sub?
Jane: (laughing)  I want you to answer my phone for me.

Maura: (inspecting place settings on table) My mother is famous for her dinner parties.
Angela: The apple didn’t fall far from the tree.
Maura: Oh no, I couldn’t possibly live up to her.  I mean, she’ll spot takeout in a second.
Angela: Stop worrying!  You’re the perfect daughter!  (Jane walks in)  And you’re late!
Jane: I’m not perfect.  Darn.  (puts box on table)  Cannolis.
Angela: (gasps) What are you doing?!  (picking up pastry box) We already have dessert.  Besides, cannolis aren’t sophisticated.
Jane: Well neither are we.  I got ‘em for you.
Angela: Oh.  (warm smile)  You got them for me?
Jane: Yea.
Angela: You’re the perfect daughter.

(Doorbell rings)
Angela: Okay, don’t worry.
Jane: (gently grabs Maura’s elbow as she walks by fussing) You look beautiful, c’mon.
Maura: (stops before the door, looks back at Rizzoli women, smiles and mouths “Okay?”)  Hello mother.
Constance: Hello darling.  You look well.
Maura: (smiles, softly breathes her words) Thank you.
Jane: (mumbling to Angela) Country mice meet city mice.
Angela: Oh my God, she’s gorgeous!  Stand up straight, Jane.
Jane: Oh crap!  I got cannoli oil on my shirt!
Jane and Angela: Hello!

Angela: I find that fascinating.
Jane: What do you know about post-war modernism?
Angela: I know a lot about the objectification of the (gesturing hour glass shape of woman) female form.
Jane: Good point.  (laughs)
Angela: (mumbling) Elbows off the table.
Jane: What?  (readjusts quickly) Oh.  (mouths to Angela) I thought I was perfect.

Jane: (sincerely) It’s so great that you found time in your busy schedule to come here to Boston and visit your daughter.
Constance: Oh, I’m actually here for an installation opening.
(Maura keeps a smile on her face, looks down)

Maura: Let’s have dessert.  I made (something French).  Your favorite.  (Constance smiles stiffly)
Jane: (hint of sarcasm) Try a cannoli.  They’re my Ma’s favorite.
Constance: (speaks French to Maura; Jane shoots Angela an annoyed look)
Maura: She says she’s sorry.
Jane: She’s tired.  Yes, I know.
Maura: I didn’t know you spoke French.
Jane: I read body language.  (Angela kicks her under the table)
Constance: (rising from table) It was lovely to meet you both.
Jane: You too.
Maura: (aside to her mother)  I thought you were staying.  I prepared the Guest Houst for you.
Constance: Darling, didn’t I mention?  The gallery organized for me to stay at the Ritz.  And I already checked in.
Maura: (hurt look on her face, then a quick smile) Of course.
Constance:  But I will see you tomorrow evening for the welcoming dinner, and you’ll be my date.
Maura: (sincere, sweet smile) Sounds lovely.
Constance: (to Jane and Angela) Please come to the opening.  Just call the gallery and have them put you on the list.
Jane: The list?  Yea, sure.

Jane: (struggling to comfort Maura) Wow.  She is, so, um, put together.
Maura: (whispering) She’s, hard to get to know.
Jane: Oh, I think I got a pretty good idea.

Jane: (to Angela cleaning the kitchen) Ma, really?!  With the pots and the pans?!  Cincinnati can hear you!  (quietly to Maura)  See?  You could have that for a mother.  Nosy, and loud.
Maura: (sadly) Warm.  Involved.
Jane: (softly) The grass is always greener.
Maura: Yea.  (closes her eyes, hand to her head)
Jane: You know, I used to dream that I was adopted.
Maura: (sadly) Really?
Jane: Yea.  And my pretend mom was chic and glamorous, and educated.
Maura: I always wondered what it’d be like to have a mother who cut the crust off my sandwiches.
Jane: An-noy-ing.
(RizzIsles warm, sad smiles)

Maura: (laughing) I think they should call him the sniper who couldn’t shoot straight.  Get it?  Because he keeps missing?
Jane: (smiling) Yea, it’s funny.  It’s a good joke, Maur.
Maura: (surprised) Really?  (off Jane’s face)  Oh.  Oh.

Jane: Who is this guy?!  Snipers shoot to kill!  This guy’s missed people both times.  Is he trying to send a message?!
Maura: The message is perfectly clear: I need target practice.  (proudly smiles and laughs)
Jane: Okay.  You do your job so I can do mine.
Maura: (straight face, slightly annoyed) Yes.  Of course, Detective.
Jane: (softly)  Maura, I’m sorry.
Maura: It’s not you.
Jane: Is it your mother?
Maura: (deep breath)  It’s just, it’s hard to have her here and not see her.  Ya know, when I was little, I wanted to be with her all the time. 
Jane: I wanted to be on Mars.  Alone.  (mock mother tone)  Jane, did you do your homework?  Jane, did you clean your room?  Jane, Ja--.  (Maura smiles with adoration)  I mean, she LIVES to hover.  The woman was a helicopter mother before they even invented the term.  C’mon… let’s get you ready for your artsy fartsy dinner with your globe-trotting mother.

(RizzIsles both get calls from their mothers)
Jane: My mother’s having a bird emergency.
Maura: Mine’s changing dinner plans.  C’mon, let’s go help.

Angela: So I went to check up on Starsky, after the lunch rush.
Jane: You took care of a sick parakeet around food?
Angela: Of course not!  I put him by a sack of yams in the pantry.  You, you’ve gotta help me.  Sergeant Korsak will never forgive me if something happens to him.
Maura: (Looks into box, closes lid)  Can you get me a bowl of hot water and some towels?
Angela: Okay. (walking away)
Jane: Can you really save him?
Maura: No!  I just didn’t want your mother to see him die.  Looks like Avian Flu.
Jane: (jumping backwards)  Avian Flu?!  What the hell?!
Maura: (looking back into box)  You can only contract it if you ingest his feces or give him mouth-to-mouth.
Jane: (holding hand up) Stop.
Maura: Korsak’s here.  (walks into back with bird, Jane distracts him)

Jane: Well, it’s a, bad time.  Ma is giving him a bird bath.  (“REALLY?!” face from Maura in the background)  But the wake, we should go.
Korsak: We have to wear period costumes or they won’t let us in.
Maura: I have wonderful contacts at the historical society.
Jane: No, you can’t go.  You have dinner with your mom.  (Off Maura’s face)  Or no you don’t.  She called and cancelled didn’t she?
Maura: (at a momentary loss, dejected face) It’s not her fault.  The dinner was a private affair.  No guests. 
Korsak: You’re not a guest!  You’re her daughter!
(Maura sadly looks down, Jane shoots Korsak a look)
Jane: You should come with us.  Okay, it’d be great to have your, historical, society, contacts.

Jane: Where’s Starsky?  (Maura pats her lab coat pocket)  He’s dead?  And you put him in your—ugghhh.  Where’s Ma?
Maura: I told her I’d take care of him.
Jane: You lied.
Maura: (offended) No!  No, I just didn’t say that I was taking care of his funeral arrangements.

(Homicide Team and Maura enter wake dressed in 1700’s attire)
Jane: I can’t believe I let you talk me into wearing this!  I don’t think this thing’s been washed since 1776.
Maura: You’re just not used to the woolsy fabric.  I told you to wear the silk polynese.
Jane: Oh yea, the whale bones digging into my bones would’ve been much more comfortable.

Maura: (raising her “glass” for the toast) It’s like we stepped back in time.  (sips beer, spits it out)  18th Century beer sucks!
Jane: (laughing)  You made a joke!

Korsak: Your mother’s a regular Florence Nightingale, Jane.  It’s a miracle what she did.  Starsky’s never looked better!
Jane: Starsky’s better?!
Korsak: You look surprised.
Jane: M—no.  She does have a healer’s touch.  (Korsak puts cracker into his mouth)  Yum.  What are we eating now?  What is that, dirt covered Styrofoam?!
Korsak: Low carb, gluten free, high fiber.
Jane: Ew, no thank you.  (pushes back; Maura walks in all dressed up)  Oh!  Why are we so fancy?!
Maura: I am going to my mother’s gallery opening.
Jane: Oh, she gonna put you on the list?
Maura: We can get in.
Jane: Who’s “we”?
Maura: (grabs cracker box from Korsak) How long have you been eating these?
Korsak: Couple weeks.  Part of my whole new health regime.
Maura: (laughs)  It’s not a heart attack, Sergeant.
Jane and Frost: WHAT?!
Maura: It’s gas.  And given the fiber content, I imagine quite a lot.
Frost: (laughs)  He’s been making enough to float the Hindenburg.
Maura: (laughs)  Hydrogen gas was unfairly blamed for that.  Human gas is actually a mixture.  Hydrogen, carbon dioxide, methane.  Most people produce about a half a liter a day.
Jane: (laughing)  Well exactly how much fart gas is Korsak making?
Maura: Probably, (giggles) twice that amount.
(Jane and Frost push their chairs back)
Korsak: Would you rather I had a heart attack?!
Maura: Just stay away from those crackers and beans and you’ll be fine.  (to Jane, sweetly)  I was hoping you’d go to the installation with me.
Jane: Oh, god, Maura.  I, I wish I could, but, no.
Frost: She loves Modern Art!  (smirking)  Ya know what, Jane, we got this.  You go.
Korsak: Yea go.  We know how much you like (Maura smiles excitedly) these fresh ideas and crazy colors and cubes and things.
Maura: (poking Jane, smile beaming) I’m so glad you’ve opened your mind to it.
Frost: You two have fun now.
Jane: (beaming sarcastic smile) Thanks guys.  (stands up and leaves with Maura)

Jane: How did Starsky make such a miraculous recovery?
Maura: Luckily the pet store carries parakeets.

Door guy at Gallery: I’m sorry, this is a private gathering.
Jane: Oh, this is Dr. Maura Isles.  She’s the artist’s daughter.  (guy searches list)  Really?!  She couldn’t even be bothered to put you on the list.
Maura: She was busy.  She said she’d try.
Guy: (checking list) Yea, I don’t see you.
Jane: (holding up badge) See me now?!  Detective Jane Rizzoli.
Guy: Yea.  (moves out of way)  Go ahead.

Jane: Hanging water bottles is art?!
Maura: It’s an iconic representation of the deconstruction of our food chain as a symbol of neo urbanity.
Jane: I could do that.
Maura: Yes, but then it wouldn’t be art.  (smiling)

Constance: Hello darling!  You made it!
Jane: Sorry we had to crash.  Your daughter wasn’t on the list.
Constance: Oh sorry.  (to Maura)  Sorry.
Maura: (gesturing to hanging water bottles) Mother, it’s exquisite.  It’s both witty and full of pathos.
Constance: It is, isn’t it.
Jane: Oh, it is.

Constance: So nice to see you again, Jane.
Jane: You too.  Maura, would you mind getting us something to drink?  I’d love to get to know your mother better.  (suspicious look from Maura)
Maura: (smiles) Um, sure.  Excuse me. (walks away)
Constance: Nice of you to come.
Jane: Thank you.  I love your hanging water bottles.  They make me feel very guilty and I’ll never buy water again.
Constance: I can see why Maura likes you.  You’re direct.  It’s kind of refreshing.
Jane: I’m protective.  Maura’s my best friend.
Constance: I sense, um, that there’s something you’d like to say to me.
Jane: Yea.  There is.  I don’t like seeing my best friend hurt.
Constance: You think I hurt her?
Jane: (in disbelief) Not staying with her.  Cancelling dinner.  Forgetting to put her on the list or your installation-- yea.  I think that hurts her.
Constance: She’s the Chief Medical Examiner.  She has her own life.  You’re both out there working an important case.  It’s all over the news.  I don’t want to be in her way.  (Jane rolls her eyes)  She must know how proud I am of her.  How much I love her.
Jane: Not really the signals you’re sending.  It seems to me like you were too busy while she was growing up and now you’re blaming her for being too busy.
Constance: (hurt, regretful look)  I was, I was never any good at it.
Jane: At what?
Constance: Being a mother.  I feel like I just, I missed so much.
Jane: (sincerely)  Why don’t you just tell her that?
(Gallery Guy comes to escort Constance to a podium)
Constance: Would you excuse me?  (walks away)

(Eating peanuts at the Dirty Robber)
Angela: You cannot believe how healthy Starsky is!
Jane: Didn’t you find he had more turquoise feathers after he recovered?  (Maura kicks her under the table)  Ouch!
Angela: What’s the matter?
Jane: Gas, pains.  (shoots Maura a look)
Angela: Really?
Maura: (seeing her mother walk into the bar) My mother’s here.  I thought she was in Paris. 
Jane: (matter of factly) She forgot to say goodbye.  (Smiles at Maura; Maura and Angela smile back adoringly)
Constance: May I join you?
Maura: (warm smile, standing up) Mother.  What a lovely surprise!
Constance: Hello darling.  I couldn’t go without seeing you one more time.
Maura: (beaming, takes her mother in) Sit.
Jane: (clearing peanuts off table) Um, here.
Constance: Oh don’t worry, don’t worry.  I’m not THAT fussy.  (Angela hands her a napkin; Constance cleans table)
Jane: Hm, strange.  I wonder where Maura gets it.  (clears throat)  You like greasy hamburgers?
Constance: Actually, I’d love a hamburger.  It’s been years.  (Maura smiles, stunned)
Jane: Good.  This place has really good ones ever since the Health Department shut it down.
Constance: The Health Department?
Jane: Mmhm.
Maura: Mom, it’s a joke.  She likes to kid.
Constance: (seeing waitress bring food to another table)  Milkshake.  I haven’t had one for ages.  Oh god, I love them.
Maura: (looks to Jane, then back)  Really?  I, I didn’t know that.
Constance: No?
Angela: I would like one.  Strawberry.
Jane: Since when do you like milkshakes?
Angela: (gritting teeth) Since now.
Jane: Alright, I’m having a beer.
Constance: A beer milkshake?
Jane: Yes!  Um, yes.  A Beer Milkshake.  It’s what all the mooks here in Boston drink.
Angela: Okay, okay.  She’s kidding.  She’s kidding.  It’s another joke. 
Jane: (Constance smiles)  I can certainly see the family resemblance.
Maura: I can see the family resemblance too.
Angela: (excited) You do?
Maura: Yes!  The two of you are so much alike!  (Jane kicks her under the table)  OW!
Angela and Constance: What is it?
Jane and Maura: Nothing.

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