Saturday, September 29, 2012

Quotable RizzIsles: Episode 2.05 -- "Don't Hate the Player"

Case: A specialty coach for an MLB team is found dead in the locker room; Maura declares it a suspicious death causing a conspiracy to unfold.
RizzIsles: Jane deals with her brother Tommy coming home and goes out with a baseball player; Maura is allowing Tommy to stay in the guest house with Angela

Maura: Chimpanzees do that.
Jane: Do what?
Maura: Grab their crotches.  (holds up a fist)  It’s a sign of aggression.

Maura: He is quite the male specimen.  (watching commercial of Manny Mega Vega)  I’d love to Mega him!
Jane: Hey, language.  My mother’s here.
Angela: You should hear us when you’re not around policing us.  He’s a hunk.
Jane: Hunk?  Okay, I’m officially throwing up in my mouth.
(RizzIsles and Angela laughing)

(Door opens, HOT guy walks in)
Jane: Oh my God, Tommy.  (smiling, standing up)
Angela: I forgot to tell you he was coming home.
Jane: You forgot to tell me?  (to Maura)  You forget too?  (Maura looks away)
Tommy: Jane!  (hugging Jane) Thanks for the letters.  They really kept me going.

Jane: (in response to Tommy’s comment to Maura)  Allllllll you’re doing for him?
Maura: He’s just visiting your mother.
Jane: Visiting means dropping by then leaving.  When’s he leaving?
Maura: Jane he’s gonna be in violation of his probation without a permanent address.
Jane: So the visit is permanent.
Maura: Temporarily.
Jane: The only thing Tommy does temporarily is stay out of trouble.
Maura: Jane I know you.  You’re conflicted.  You want to help him but you’re afraid that anything you do will be interpreted as a sign of approval.
Jane: (grabbing Maura’s arms) My little brother is a screw up, Maura.  A completely loveable, screw up, FELON.
Maura: The repeat rate is higher for non-violent offenders is higher than for violent.  46-39%.
Jane: So I’m thinking this isn’t a good idea.
Maura: I’m doing this for your mother…

Jane: Let’s go.  I’ve never been to Pilgrim’s Stadium and their locker room is closer than your couch.  C’mon.
Maura: I’ve always wanted to see them without their uniforms.
Jane: (smiling) Maura!

Tommy: (sweetly, hesitantly) Listen, I know you’re busy.  If you want I can take your dog to the vet.
Jane: (annoyed) No, your only job is to stay out of trouble, okay?  (walks away)

Baseball Player: Call me.  I wouldn’t mind being interrogated by you.
Jane: I’ve heard that one… like a million times.
Player: Call me and I’ll think of a new one.
Jane: (smiling) Alright.

Jane: What does your gut say?
Maura: I don’t listen to my intestines.

Maura: The murder weapon is a cylindrical hard object.
Jane: (watching crime lab check a baseball bat) Gee.  What could it be?  Think it’s a pipe?
Maura: Pipe is too thin.
Jane: What about a Majorette’s baton?
Maura: I’m glad you find my scientific approach amusing.
Jane: I think it’s a bat, Maura.  I think it’s Manny Vega’s bat.

Jane: Now how do we prove it was Manny who swung the fatal blow?
Maura: The way you always do.  Do that gumshoe thing.
Jane: That gumshoe thing.  No, um, this time, we’re actually up against every baseball fan from judges to the governor so it makes it a little difficult to do my gumshoe thing.
Maura: Society is very reluctant to hold celebrities accountable.  Remember Fatty Arbuckle?
Jane: Fatty Arbuckle?  No.
Maura: The silent film star who was tried--
Jane: No.  (holding hand out to Maura)  Stop.
(Maura rolls her eyes and stops talking)

Jane: I’m off.  To do my “gumshoe thing”.  (smiling)
Maura: I shouldn’t have used that term.
Jane: No, you should have.
Maura: Because it actually refers to galoshes which you aren’t wearing.  (laughing, very amused at herself; Jane rolls her eyes and leaves)  What?  (confused)  What did I say??

Cavanaugh: I didn’t tell you to stop, Rizzoli.  Now find a way to get to Vega.
Korsak: Nice!  Cavanaugh just took the gloves off.  C’mon!

Jane: Jesse Wade gave me his phone number.  Maybe it’s time to make a call.
Frost: (smirking) Yea a booty call.
Jane: Really?!

Jane: What is La Beaux Trup?
Maura: 5 star French Restaurant.  Brilliant new take on escargot.
Jane: (gesturing to her clothes) This okay?
Maura: Are you out of your mind?!
Jane: What?  I’m meeting Jesse Wade.  He wants to do the interview there.
Maura: At La Beaux Trup?
Jane: Yea.
Maura: Le booty call.
Jane: (trying not to laugh) What did you just say?
Maura: I know.  (removes her jacket, turns around, Jane looks on confused) Unzip me.
Jane: Wh—why?
Maura: Because you can’t go like that.  (gesturing to Jane’s outfit, horrified)  We’ll trade clothes.  C’mon.
Jane: (in pure disbelief) Are you crazy?!  That dress wouldn’t cover my… booty.  (Maura gives Jane a look; flash to Jane in Maura’s dress and her combat boots)  It smells like a deco.
Maura: Men are not attracted to the smell of death. 
Jane: Really?  (Maura sprays Jane with body spray)  Okay that’s enough.  (squirming like a child)
Maura: (disgusted glance at Jane’s feet) Oh.  Those boots are fashion homicide.  (Takes off her shoes to give to Jane)
Jane: No.  No.  No!  Those shoes are foot homicide.
Maura: Put them on.
Jane: (pouting) They’re too small.
Maura: Give them back.
Jane: You just said put them on.
Maura: (lifts a finger to Jane as she takes the shoes) Patience.  (Comes back with shoes and a scalpel)
Jane: (gasps) Maura!
Maura: Voila!  Peep toes!  (smiling)
Jane: (smiling) Thank you.  (puts shoes on)
Maura: You look sexy.
Jane: You look… like you’re wearing my clothes.
(Phone ringing)
Jane: (into cell) Hey Ma.  Tommy.  Why do you have Ma’s phone?  Okay.  Calm down!  Alright.  Where are you?  Okay, I’ll be right--.  (hangs up phone)  I’ve got 45 minutes.  Come with me.  I’m gonna need back up.
Maura: What?  Jane?!  What did Tommy do?!  Jane!  You have all the shoes!

(Tommy yelling at Vet)
Vet: I called the police.
Jane: I am the police.
Vet: Vice?
Jane: Homicide.

Vet: …and this man is refusing to pay the bill.
Jane: That’s fine.  I got it. I will pay the bill.  How much is it?
Vet: $300.
Jane: What?!  Did you bling her paws out?!
Tommy: Exactly!  Then he calls her a friggin head case.
Vet: No, no no.  I did not use that terminology.  I said she has been suffering from depression.
Maura: She has been withdrawn.  Restless, refusing to go outside and urinate.
Jane: (to Maura) Whose side are you on?  (to Vet)  She sleeps, eats, poops.  What’s there to be depressed about?
Vet: (points to Jo Friday licking paws)  It is an OCD reflex.  It is triggered by her emotional state.  She needs prozak.
Tommy: See?!  There it is… OCD, ADHD, alcoholic.  It was the same stuff they were throwing at me in the joint.
Vet: I’m not surprised you were confined to a cage.
(Tommy lunges at Vet; Jane breaks it up)
Jane: Hey!  Hey, hey hey!  Knock it off!  Take Jo Friday, walk it off.
Maura: (to Vet) I’m so sorry.  They really are very nice people.

(RizzIsles walking into Maura’s house)
Jane: (pulling off shoes)  These, suck!  And your dress is about as comfortable as a straight jacket!
Maura: (laughing)  And your suit is a really booty call magnet.  I got hit on twice... by women.
Jane: Really?

Jane: Tommy broke into some houses when he was in high school.  He never should have been staying here, Maura, I’m so sorry.  (emotional, hand to her chest)
Maura: It’s okay.  (grabs Jane’s arm in comfort)
Angela: (angry)  Oh for the life of me!  I don’t understand why your brother does what he does!
Jane: Okay, I’ll call Frankie and we’ll go look for him.  If he’s on the run it should be us that find him.  Okay?  Don’t worry.

Tommy: It’s Detective Rizzoli, Officer Rizzoli and Tommy the Screw Up.
Jane: That’s what you’ve chosen it’s not who you are.

Jane: Maura, you have that “I have a case solving hunch” look on your face.
Maura: My face doesn’t hunch.  It’s minor paritis. 
Jane: Excuse me?
Maura: An itch.

Maura: His kidneys are damaged.  Look at the crystallization.
Jane: Hm, yea.  From what?
Maura: I’d be guessing.
Jane: (eye closed, whispering to herself) God, it’s torture sometimes.  (to Maura)  Have you seen this before?
Maura: Yes.
Jane: Okay.  Good.  What did it turn out to be, before?
Maura: Ethylene glycol ingestion.
Jane: Antifreeze.  Someone was poisoning him.

Korsak: Oh, why aren’t you there?  Oh, I know… ew! I hate eyeball fluid.  Ew!  I can’t stand garbage.
Frost:  Why aren’t you there?  Oh I know… it might ruin that sport coat from 1989.  (amused glance from Maura)

Jane: Baseball players are really superstitious right?
Korsak: Mark MacGuire wore the same cup from his high school years until it was stolen from him late in his career.
Frost: Clemens put tiger balm on his bal— (clears throat)
Maura: His balls?? Don’t they inspect those before they’re allowed to pitch?  (giggles all around)
Frost: Different, balls, Dr. Isles.
Maura: Oh!  (Jane giggling still)

Maura: This is not CSI Boston, Jane.  Okay, it’s a very delicate process and it’s not always successful.
Jane: It’d be great if it were successful this time.  (exasperated look from Maura)
Maura: I can’t concentrate.  Did you apologize to Tommy?
Jane: No, not yet.  But I will.  Let’s catch the bad guys first.
Maura: Why don’t you go apologize to him and I’ll call you if I get any prints.
Jane: IF?!  N—the reason you have these gloves to work with is because I gumshoed. The least you can do is get me some prints.  (Maura stops, crosses her arms and leans against table)  Wha—what are you doing?  Why are you stopping?
Maura: Waiting for you to leave.
Jane: You are ridiculous.  C’mon.  (look from Maura)  Alright, fine, bye.  (Jane leaves)

Jane: Go home.
Tommy: I don’t have a home.
Jane: Yes you do.  Maura said you can stay as long as you need to.  Ma wants you there.  Maura wants you there. 
Tommy: You know what’s great about dogs?
Jane: Tell me.
Tommy: They’re in the same mood every day, and they think I’m a good guy.
Jane: They’re good judges of character, Tommy.
Tommy: They’d like a serial killer if he had lamb on him.
Jane: I’m sorry Tommy.  I’m really, really sorry.
Tommy: It’s okay.  I would’ve thought I did it too.  I gotta walk ‘em.  I’m on the job.
Jane: You’re a dog walker?  That’s great!
Tommy: Oh yea, mom and dad would be so proud.

Korsak:  You feed that dog chicken?
Angela: It’s organic.
Korsak: She lickin her paws?
Jane: Yea nonstop.  The Vet says she depressed.  (Korsak laughing)  What?  It’s not funny.  I paid 300 bucks and she’s still licking.
Korsak: Because a lot of little dogs like her are allergic to poultry.
(Jane gives Maura stern look, Maura flinches)
Jane: (mocking tone)  Well she has been withdrawn and restless.  Reluctant to go outside and urinate.
Maura: Excuse me!  I don’t treat mixed breeds or 4-legged creatures, or anything else that's--.
Jane: Alive?  Yea I know. (glare from Maura)
Angela: (in background) Would you two knock it off?!
Maura: Would you like me to reimburse you for misdiagnosing your dog?
Jane: Yes, that’d be great.
Angela: (in background) Stop it!
Maura: Would check be okay or would you feel safer with cash?
Jane: Cash, cash is good.

Gag Reel:

GIFs not mine >> I save awesome stuff after I reblog it. My Tumblr page has original links (JaMauraRizzles on the RizzIsles blog)

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