The RizzIsles Rhyme & Reason: Quotable RizzIsles: Episode 2.05 -- "Don't Hate the Player"

Case: A specialty coach for an MLB team is found dead in the locker room; Maura declares it a suspicious death causing a conspiracy to unfold.

RizzIsles: Jane deals with her brother Tommy coming home and goes out with a baseball player; Maura is allowing Tommy to stay in the guest house with Angela

Maura: Chimpanzees do that.

Jane: Do what?

Maura: Grab their crotches. (holds up a fist) It’s a sign of aggression.

Maura: He is quite the male specimen. (watching commercial of Manny Mega Vega) I’d love to Mega him!

Jane: Hey, language. My mother’s here.

Angela: You should hear us when you’re not around policing us. He’s a hunk.

Jane: Hunk? Okay, I’m officially throwing up in my mouth.

(RizzIsles and Angela laughing)

(Door opens, HOT guy walks in)

Jane: Oh my God, Tommy. (smiling, standing up)

Angela: I forgot to tell you he was coming home.

Jane: You forgot to tell me? (to Maura) You forget too? (Maura looks away)

Tommy: Jane! (hugging Jane) Thanks for the letters. They really kept me going.

Jane: (in response to Tommy’s comment to Maura) Allllllll you’re doing for him?

Maura: He’s just visiting your mother.

Jane: Visiting means dropping by then leaving. When’s he leaving?

Maura: Jane he’s gonna be in violation of his probation without a permanent address.

Jane: So the visit is permanent.

Maura: Temporarily.

Jane: The only thing Tommy does temporarily is stay out of trouble.

Maura: Jane I know you. You’re conflicted. You want to help him but you’re afraid that anything you do will be interpreted as a sign of approval.

Jane: (grabbing Maura’s arms) My little brother is a screw up, Maura. A completely loveable, screw up, FELON.

Maura: The repeat rate is higher for non-violent offenders is higher than for violent. 46-39%.

Jane: So I’m thinking this isn’t a good idea.

Maura: I’m doing this for your mother…

Jane: Let’s go. I’ve never been to Pilgrim’s Stadium and their locker room is closer than your couch. C’mon.

Maura: I’ve always wanted to see them without their uniforms.

Jane: (smiling) Maura!

Tommy: (sweetly, hesitantly) Listen, I know you’re busy. If you want I can take your dog to the vet.

Jane: (annoyed) No, your only job is to stay out of trouble, okay? (walks away)

Baseball Player: Call me. I wouldn’t mind being interrogated by you.

Jane: I’ve heard that one… like a million times.

Player: Call me and I’ll think of a new one.

Jane: (smiling) Alright.

Jane: What does your gut say?

Maura: I don’t listen to my intestines.

Maura: The murder weapon is a cylindrical hard object.

Jane: (watching crime lab check a baseball bat) Gee. What could it be? Think it’s a pipe?

Maura: Pipe is too thin.

Jane: What about a Majorette’s baton?

Maura: I’m glad you find my scientific approach amusing.

Jane: I think it’s a bat, Maura. I think it’s Manny Vega’s bat.

Jane: Now how do we prove it was Manny who swung the fatal blow?

Maura: The way you always do. Do that gumshoe thing.

Jane: That gumshoe thing. No, um, this time, we’re actually up against every baseball fan from judges to the governor so it makes it a little difficult to do my gumshoe thing.

Maura: Society is very reluctant to hold celebrities accountable. Remember Fatty Arbuckle?

Jane: Fatty Arbuckle? No.

Maura: The silent film star who was tried--

Jane: No. (holding hand out to Maura) Stop.

(Maura rolls her eyes and stops talking)

Jane: I’m off. To do my “gumshoe thing”. (smiling)

Maura: I shouldn’t have used that term.

Jane: No, you should have.

Maura: Because it actually refers to galoshes which you aren’t wearing. (laughing, very amused at herself; Jane rolls her eyes and leaves) What? (confused) What did I say??

Cavanaugh: I didn’t tell you to stop, Rizzoli. Now find a way to get to Vega.

Korsak: Nice! Cavanaugh just took the gloves off. C’mon!

Jane: Jesse Wade gave me his phone number. Maybe it’s time to make a call.

Frost: (smirking) Yea a booty call.

Jane: Really?!

Jane: What is La Beaux Trup?

Maura: 5 star French Restaurant. Brilliant new take on escargot.

Jane: (gesturing to her clothes) This okay?

Maura: Are you out of your mind?!

Jane: What? I’m meeting Jesse Wade. He wants to do the interview there.

Maura: At La Beaux Trup?

Jane: Yea.

Maura: Le booty call.

Jane: (trying not to laugh) What did you just say?

Maura: I know. (removes her jacket, turns around, Jane looks on confused) Unzip me.

Jane: Wh—why?

Maura: Because you can’t go like that. (gesturing to Jane’s outfit, horrified) We’ll trade clothes. C’mon.

Jane: (in pure disbelief) Are you crazy?! That dress wouldn’t cover my… booty. (Maura gives Jane a look; flash to Jane in Maura’s dress and her combat boots) It smells like a deco.

Maura: Men are not attracted to the smell of death.

Jane: Really? (Maura sprays Jane with body spray) Okay that’s enough. (squirming like a child)

Maura: (disgusted glance at Jane’s feet) Oh. Those boots are fashion homicide. (Takes off her shoes to give to Jane)

Jane: No. No. No! Those shoes are foot homicide.

Maura: Put them on.

Jane: (pouting) They’re too small.

Maura: Give them back.

Jane: You just said put them on.

Maura: (lifts a finger to Jane as she takes the shoes) Patience. (Comes back with shoes and a scalpel)

Jane: (gasps) Maura!

Maura: Voila! Peep toes! (smiling)

Jane: (smiling) Thank you. (puts shoes on)

Maura: You look sexy.

Jane: You look… like you’re wearing my clothes.

(Phone ringing)

Jane: (into cell) Hey Ma. Tommy. Why do you have Ma’s phone? Okay. Calm down! Alright. Where are you? Okay, I’ll be right--. (hangs up phone) I’ve got 45 minutes. Come with me. I’m gonna need back up.

Maura: What? Jane?! What did Tommy do?! Jane! You have all the shoes!

(Tommy yelling at Vet)

Vet: I called the police.

Jane: I am the police.

Vet: Vice?

Jane: Homicide.

Vet: …and this man is refusing to pay the bill.

Jane: That’s fine. I got it. I will pay the bill. How much is it?

Vet: $300.

Jane: What?! Did you bling her paws out?!

Tommy: Exactly! Then he calls her a friggin head case.

Vet: No, no no. I did not use that terminology. I said she has been suffering from depression.

Maura: She has been withdrawn. Restless, refusing to go outside and urinate.

Jane: (to Maura) Whose side are you on? (to Vet) She sleeps, eats, poops. What’s there to be depressed about?

Vet: (points to Jo Friday licking paws) It is an OCD reflex. It is triggered by her emotional state. She needs prozak.

Tommy: See?! There it is… OCD, ADHD, alcoholic. It was the same stuff they were throwing at me in the joint.

Vet: I’m not surprised you were confined to a cage.

(Tommy lunges at Vet; Jane breaks it up)

Jane: Hey! Hey, hey hey! Knock it off! Take Jo Friday, walk it off.

Maura: (to Vet) I’m so sorry. They really are very nice people.

(RizzIsles walking into Maura’s house)

Jane: (pulling off shoes) These, suck! And your dress is about as comfortable as a straight jacket!

Maura: (laughing) And your suit is a really booty call magnet. I got hit on twice... by women.

Jane: Really?

Jane: Tommy broke into some houses when he was in high school. He never should have been staying here, Maura, I’m so sorry. (emotional, hand to her chest)

Maura: It’s okay. (grabs Jane’s arm in comfort)

Angela: (angry) Oh for the life of me! I don’t understand why your brother does what he does!

Jane: Okay, I’ll call Frankie and we’ll go look for him. If he’s on the run it should be us that find him. Okay? Don’t worry.

Tommy: It’s Detective Rizzoli, Officer Rizzoli and Tommy the Screw Up.

Jane: That’s what you’ve chosen it’s not who you are.

Jane: Maura, you have that “I have a case solving hunch” look on your face.

Maura: My face doesn’t hunch. It’s minor paritis.

Jane: Excuse me?

Maura: An itch.

Maura: His kidneys are damaged. Look at the crystallization.

Jane: Hm, yea. From what?

Maura: I’d be guessing.

Jane: (eye closed, whispering to herself) God, it’s torture sometimes. (to Maura) Have you seen this before?

Maura: Yes.

Jane: Okay. Good. What did it turn out to be, before?

Maura: Ethylene glycol ingestion.

Jane: Antifreeze. Someone was poisoning him.

Korsak: Oh, why aren’t you there? Oh, I know… ew! I hate eyeball fluid. Ew! I can’t stand garbage.

Frost: Why aren’t you there? Oh I know… it might ruin that sport coat from 1989. (amused glance from Maura)

Jane: Baseball players are really superstitious right?

Korsak: Mark MacGuire wore the same cup from his high school years until it was stolen from him late in his career.

Frost: Clemens put tiger balm on his bal— (clears throat)

Maura: His balls?? Don’t they inspect those before they’re allowed to pitch? (giggles all around)

Frost: Different, balls, Dr. Isles.

Maura: Oh! (Jane giggling still)

Maura: This is not CSI Boston, Jane. Okay, it’s a very delicate process and it’s not always successful.

Jane: It’d be great if it were successful this time. (exasperated look from Maura)

Maura: I can’t concentrate. Did you apologize to Tommy?

Jane: No, not yet. But I will. Let’s catch the bad guys first.

Maura: Why don’t you go apologize to him and I’ll call you if I get any prints.

Jane: IF?! N—the reason you have these gloves to work with is because I gumshoed. The least you can do is get me some prints. (Maura stops, crosses her arms and leans against table) Wha—what are you doing? Why are you stopping?

Maura: Waiting for you to leave.

Jane: You are ridiculous. C’mon. (look from Maura) Alright, fine, bye. (Jane leaves)

Jane: Go home.

Tommy: I don’t have a home.

Jane: Yes you do. Maura said you can stay as long as you need to. Ma wants you there. Maura wants you there.

Tommy: You know what’s great about dogs?

Jane: Tell me.

Tommy: They’re in the same mood every day, and they think I’m a good guy.

Jane: They’re good judges of character, Tommy.

Tommy: They’d like a serial killer if he had lamb on him.

Jane: I’m sorry Tommy. I’m really, really sorry.

Tommy: It’s okay. I would’ve thought I did it too. I gotta walk ‘em. I’m on the job.