The RizzIsles Rhyme & Reason: Quotable RizzIsles: Episode 3.07 -- "Crazy For You"

Case: Two psychiatrists (a husband and wife) are killed in their offices

RizzIsles: Maura attends a local conference for Medical Examiners; Jane is kidnapped

(Jane picks up a donut and puts it to her mouth)

Angela: Jane! Stop playing with the donuts.

Jane: I’m not playing. (Puts donut on her finger and spins it) This is playing.

Jane: I don’t get why you agreed to host this thing. And why they don’t bring their own clothes.

Maura: The Convention Center doubled its rate after last year’s—issue.

Angela: What issue?

Jane: (laughing) She left a severed head in the hotel fridge.

Jane: (actually recognizing the guy Angela is trying to get her to talk to) OH, yea! Yea! Bianchi’s Bakery! I haven’t been there in years! Maura, you gotta try one of these. (passing roll to her)

Maura: White flour only uses the endosperm.

Jane: It’s awful to eat with you.

Jane: Hello Dr. Pike. It’s good to see you.

Pike: Detective Rizzoli, you look stunning.

Jane: (amused, shocked glance at Maura) Hm. Stunning? (annoyed Maura pointedly spins around) Thank you.

Pike: Oh. Hello Dr. Isles.

Maura: (angry, in reply to Pike’s attempted dig at Maura) The colleagues who can’t tell the difference between a 38 and a 45 caliber bullet?!

Pike: Dr. Isles. I specifically requested a special meal. Steel cut oats with dry fruit topping. (gestures to indicate he doesn’t see it)

(Jane and Maura’s phones buzz)

Maura: This better be a murder.

Jane: (excited) It is! C’mon.

Pike: (annoyed) Excuse me!

Jane: Have a donut. No endosperm. (Maura laughs)

Jane: She advocates childless marriages. (laughing) Ma used to listen to her radio program when she was mad at us.

(Looking at patient sign-in list for two victims)

Jane: What? Patients only sign-in with their initials?

Maura: It’s a privacy issue.

Jane: Thank you doctor. I had no idea grandly diluted people wanted privacy.

Jane: Hey Maura. You got your tweezers?

Maura: Mhm

Jane: (pointing to victim’s watch) Piece of latex from the shooters glove.

Maura: Latex has many uses. Balloons, pencil erasers, spandex.

Jane: (stare of contempt) Okay. I’m going to guess the shooter wasn’t wearing spandex or carrying balloons.

(Pike turns on his vacuum invention in an attempt to use it on the victim)

Maura: (politely yelling) Please turn that off! We are here to advance each other’s knowledge of gunshot wounds.

Pike: (puts vacuum near Maura, it short circuits) Now look what you’ve done! I’m gonna have to bill you for that!

Frost: (in relation to the suspect’s social media site) Check out her timeline!

Korsak: (to Jane) Translation please.

Jane: She leads such a fascinating life she wants everyone to know what she’s doing at all times.

Angela: (parked in front of Headquarters, talking into PA system in sponsored-Camry) Frankie you look so handsome in your uniform.

Frankie: Oh my God. Ma, stop.

Angela: What am I embarrassing you? (shocked) OH!! (Car rear-ended Angela) Somebody hit my car! My brand new car!! What the--?!

Pregnant Girl: I didn’t hit it hard, did I? Oh yea, look. It’s just a little dent.

Angela: A little dent?! It’s a brand new car!

Frankie: Ma, take the headset off!!

Pregnant Girl: (starting to get emotional) Ah, shoot, I’m sorry. I’ll get it fixed.

Angela: Oh you bet you will. Don’t you look where you’re driving?!

Pregnant Girl: Can I just give you cash? (digging in wallet) Is $30 enough?

Angela: Are you kidding me? Frankie, tell me she’s kidding me.

(Girl drops purse, crying)

Frankie: Let me help you. (bends down to get purse) Ma! C’mon.

Angela: What?! (Frankie gestures to crying pregnant girl) Oh. How pregnant are you?!

(Frankie and Jane in a Headquarters elevator; Frankie stops the elevator)

Jane: Oh my God. You’re sure?! Lydia, Lydia?! Dad’s fiancé Lydia?!

Frankie: Yea. Yea, I saw her name on the parking tickets. Lydia Sparks.

Jane: And you’re sure she’s PREGNANT.

Frankie: She’s out to here! (gestures huge belly)

Jane: (stares in shock and disbelief) What do we do?!

Frankie: How the hell should I know?!

Jane: Well should we call Pop?

Frankie: She says he dumped her.

Jane: Do we just not know him or he is going through some deranged, late mid-life crisis?!

Frankie: Janey. She’s living out of her car. What if that’s our--

Jane: (dryly) Our brother or sister? Oh my God.

Suspect: Do you have children detective?

Jane: I do not.

Suspect: It figures.

Jane: How does it figure?

Suspect: Your waist. Even you would have trouble finding a flattering bathing suit after 9 children. Luckily that’s the only downside.

Jane: Is that why you shot Dr. Eve? She didn’t have stretch marks?

Suspect: Oh, I’m very proud of my womb. (lifting shirt)

Korsak: Please don’t show me your womb, Mrs. Miller.

Jane: Hey. Where are all your little “Dr. Death” friends?

Maura: Enjoying a lecture on using silicon scalps for terminable ballistics testing.

Jane: Mm, and you’re missing it?

Maura: I know! I had to get away from Dr. Pike! I think Dr. Pike is on the take!

Jane: What?

Maura: He’s using his position to privateer.

Jane: (slowly, confused) He’s attacking foreign ships during wartime?

Maura: (outraged) I think he is taking kickbacks to hock a forensic vacuum.

Jane: Maura this is very serious.

Maura: (seriously) It is?!

Jane: No! You haven’t started the autopsy yet?!

Maura: Pike is handing out hats, and pens—and travel mugs. That is swag, Detective.

Jane: (seriously, conspiratorially) We’ll have to get our Swag Unit on it.

Maura: (conspiratorially) I need to know how to entrap him.

Jane: Okay, Serpico. Can we please solve our double-homicide first.

Maura: Okay. Help me undress her.

Jane: Did I tell you I’m starting a new organization called “SAW”?

Maura: That’s a hostile acronym.

Jane: It stands for Stuck At Work. And I’m gonna be stuck here longer if you don’t GET ON IT.

Jane: Ugh, c’mon, not again!! With this weird husband guy! Look. (Reading) “Hun, don’t forget your Brazilian Wax appointment”. How many times I gotta tell his guy?! (reciting text she’s typing) I’m not your wife. Oh, I forgot to tell you. Frankie met Lydia today. (Maura drops shell casing into pan, Jane stops texting, Maura turns away, Jane puts phone away and stares suspiciously,) You’re looking very, very guilty. What are you not telling me?

Maura: I promised Tommy that I wouldn’t say.

Jane: Huh. (picking up scalpel) This looks very sharp.

Maura: Okay. (hands out in surrender) Okay. But don’t get mad.

(From down the hallway)

Jane: (yelling) WHAT?! Tommy slept with Lydia?!

Frost: Need a pen, um (sincerely), Ma’am?

Maura: You have no idea how fun Medical Examiner’s parties can be! Talk about the case; you’ll fit right in!

Pike: For you Detective Rizzoli (handing Jane a drink). And since you’re so good at stabbing people in the back. (handing Maura an axe prop)

Maura: (angry whisper) I haven’t reported you to the BBVB… yet. (walking away, whispering to Jane) Bullet and Blast Violation Board.

Jane: Oh.

Maura: Jane. (angry pointing) Swag!

Jane: (into her watch) Attention all Swag Units we have Swag distribution in progress at the Dirty Robber.

Maura: This is very serious. You can lose your Bullet & Blast Certification.

Jane: (phone buzzing) Ugh. Not again.

Maura: What, another murder?

Jane: Another weird “Hun” message. (reading) “Hun, waiting up for you”. Guess I should hurry home since I’ve had my Brazilian.

Maura: I think you should tell your mother.

Jane: Where I wax is my business.

Maura: (“very funny” sideways glance) Lydia’s baby might be her grandchild.

Jane: That baby might be her ex-husband’s bimbo’s kid. It’s a good thing Tommy’s fishing in the Gulf! I’m gonna kill him!!

Maura: Maybe that’s why your father called off the engagement.

Jane: Because Lydia told him it might be Tommy’s baby? (skeeved out and freaking out) No, no, no. No this can’t be happening.

Maura: Are you calling your father?!

Jane: I’m calling Frankie.

Maura: You can’t tell him he might be an Uncle over the phone.

Jane: But— (overwhelmed, confused – walks out of the bar)

Pike: (drunk) It’s so nice to let my hair down and enjoy a few Long Island Iced Teas.

Maura: How many have you had Dr. P--?

Pike: No more than 4. (squinty eye thinking) …or is it 5.

Maura: Well perhaps that’s enough.

Pike: You look stunning tonight, Dr. Isles.

Maura: (annoyed) Excuse me?!

Pike: You’re like a wild cat, aren’t you? Lapping up that liquid with your delicate, pink tongue.

Maura: (offended and annoyed) Please, stop.

Pike: I’ve been in love with you, okay?! Since the outdoor remains recovery course.

Maura: WHAT?!

Pike: But I’ve been desperately afraid. I lost everything with my quest to develop the perfect forensic vacuum. I invested everything in particle vac, Maura. (drunk almost-crying) Everything. (hugging Maura)

Maura: (trying to push Pike off) Okay. Stop. Stop!

Russian Dr: Hey! (grabbing Pike’s shoulder) Lady says go away, Pike.

Pike: Buzz off!

Russian Dr: You have as much chance with woman as dead Dr. Parker. No, the corpse has better chance.

Pike: C’mon! (taking off jacket, headband) You want a piece of me?! Let’s go.

Russian Dr: Okay. Put up ducks.

Pike: These are dukes you moron.

Jane: (walks back in to see fight between Pike and Russian Dr) What the hell?!

Maura: (urgent whispering) Pike declared his love for me!!

Jane: WHAT?!

Frankie: (sitting, anticipating) What do you want to tell me?

Jane: Maura knows about Lydia.

Frankie: That’s what you wanted to tell me?

Jane: No. Uh. Okay. It’s about Tommy. And he, uh. I can’t believe I can’t say this.

Maura: (chiming in) He slept with Lydia.

Frankie: What?!

Angela: (walks in dragging “drunk” Lydia) Maura!

Frankie: Lydia?

Jane: LYDIA?!

Angela: Oh my God. Maura, she needs your help.

Lydia: (mumbling) I don’t feel so good.

Angela: (to Jane) This is Lydia Sparks. She ran into my new car. (to Lydia) Can you tell the doctor what’s wrong?

Jane: (to herself) Yea, she’s pregnant with your first grandchild and she’s drunk.

(Frankie gives Jane a look then helps Lydia onto the couch)

Lydia: (slurring) I like couches. Oh. You’re really cute.

Jane: So you cheered her up with malt liquor?!

Jane: It’s like my mother has a homing device for trouble. That’s where Tommy gets it. And we’re throwing Lydia back in the pond as soon as she gets out of the hospital.

Maura: Okay but we’re telling your mother who she is first. I’m calling a Family Meeting.

Jane: What?! It’s not your family.

Maura: It’s my guest house and I only have a 1 guest policy.

Jane: Okay. Let’s see if we can solve these murders first. (off Maura’s look) What? Fine, I will get Frankie and Mom to the Dirty Robber later today.

Pike: Good morning, Dr. Isles. You don’t look very well-rested. Guess you don’t know your limit.

Maura: (annoyed) You don’t remember?

Pike: Did you do something inappropriate? Now if you’ll excuse me I have to prepare my presentation on entrance and exit wounds. You look stunning, Detective.

Jane: Yea. Follow me Dr. Rube Goldberg.

Maura: (surprised) I’m surprised you know who that is.

Jane: (matter of factly) Oh Maura. 25% of the population uses the internet.

Maura: Oh. Not fair. Doesn’t count if you have to use Google. (appeased smile)

Cowboy Dr: Classic electrostatic physics.

Jane: Shoot, I’m only an expert in common electrostatic physics.

(Unamused faces from Maura and Cowboy)

Jane: Oh my God!! You thought I was one of Dr Parker’s patients?!

Korsak: Nothing to be ashamed of. I think you’ve hidden your delusional disorders rather well, Detective.

(Frost laughing)

Maura: (pulling out a wooden stick) I thought this would help ease tensions in the family meeting.

Frankie: What is it?

Maura: It’s a talking stick. They’ve been used for centuries by Native Americans.

Angela: Hey. What’s goin on? Where’s Jane? She said we were having a family meeting.

Maura: She’ll be here any minute.

Frankie: Sit down, Ma. Take the talking stick.

Angela: I don’t want the talking stick. I wanna know what this is about.

Maura: Well, uh, the talking stick has been used by many cultures to designate who has the right to speak.

Angela: Which means the both of you have something awful to tell me. (Maura passes stick to Frankie) Is this about Tommy?! (Frankie and Maura keep trying to pass the stick back and forth to each other) GIMME THAT STICK! (Grabs it from their hands; Maura recoils) Because I have a feeling that I’m going to have to use this stick to knock some sense into your brother.

Maura: Frost. Zoom in on the radiator and the window frame.

(Wiki-Maura to the rescue!)

Maura: (crying) Don’t hurt her!

Jane: Well the worst part was the outfit. Pink shoes. Vomit.

Jane: Dr. Eve got shot just because she had to pee. That’s just wrong.

Jane: …and what a marriage it would’ve been. Did I show you my Honeymoon pictures?

Maura: Oh, you went on a Honeymoon.

Jane: My head did. Apparently we missed the Luau. (confused, concerned glance from Maura) I always wanted to go to a Luau.

Maura: (out of NO WHERE) I’m thinking of freezing my eggs.

Jane: (almost choking) Okay, how much wine have you had?!

Maura: Not much. I just don’t think marriage is for me. But I’d like to preserve my option to have children.

Jane: Okay. I’m gonna leave my eggs right where they are-- and we’re going to talk about something else.