Wednesday, December 26, 2012
Quotable RizzIsles: Episode 3.11 -- "Class Action Satisfaction"
Case: A man eating at the BPD Café starts coughing up blood, then drops dead. Maura, Jane and a Morgue Tech are exposed to poison and have to be temporarily quarantined.
RizzIsles: The whole family (Maura included!) are helping take care of Baby “TJ”; Jane wants to play a role in TJ’s life and promises to help Tommy if the baby turns out to be his.
Stanley: (on phone with 911 operator) Oh, so you come faster if it was a cop?! No, it’s a fat guy!
Jane in PJs, leaning on Maura’s kitchen island, drinking coffee; Maura walks in wearing her PJs; Jane pushes a cup of coffee toward her
Maura: Thank you. (spits coffee back into cup) Instant?! You served me instant?!
Jane: I’m so tired you’re lucky I didn’t serve you Drano.
Tommy: Maura, you ready to swab me?
Jane: You two want some privacy?
Tommy: I’m gonna find out if this is my kid today. Let’s do this. Wait, is this gonna hurt?!
Jane: Oh my God, Tommy! It’s a giant cotton swab.
Tommy: It’s weird that she’s so good with babies.
Maura: Yea, it is a little surprising. Wasn’t it wonderful how we tag teamed the feedings all night?! Baby elephants are raised by the female relatives in the herd… aunts, sisters, grandmothers.
Jane: Don’t repeat this cause I’ll deny it. (in baby voice) I wish we were elephants so we could keep him!
Jane: (checking her phone) That doesn’t make any sense… suspicious death at the Division One Café? I hope Ma’s alright… (trying to make a call) It’s going straight to voicemail. Maur, c’mon, we gotta go.
Maura: I’m in my Robe and you’re in your mother’s pajamas.
Jane: Yea, so? We’ll change in the car. C’mon.
Maura: I’m not sure. The hymoptasis suggests all kinds of causes.
Stanley: We don’t even serve hymoptasis.
Maura: Hymoptasis simply means he coughed up blood.
Angela: Jane, he ordered the breakfast special… but he didn’t eat the turkey bacon. Oh wait! And he asked for ketchup.
Jane: (trying to be patient and sincere) Thank you, Ma. That’s, that’s very helpful.
(Tommy tending to TJ; knock on the door; Tommy frantically runs to answer it – it’s Frankie)
Tommy: OH! Thank God, Bro! Thanks for coming. (runs back over to baby)
Frankie: I gotta get back to work. Is the baby ok?
Tommy: Yea. I think so…
Frankie: You think so?
Tommy: I fell asleep on the couch. He was sleeping on my chest. Frankie, he rolled off.
Frankie: Oh my God. (walks to look at baby) Did he hit his head?
Tommy: He landed on a pillow.
Frankie: (annoyed) Oh Tommy!
Tommy: I know! What if he can never ride a bike now?! God! I can’t be a Dad!
Tommy: (baby cries) Now he hates me! (knock on the door) Oh crap! What if the neighbors called Social Services?!
Frankie: Calm down, would ya?
Maura: Cuckoo Birds are host parasites.
Jane: You desperately need some sleep.
Maura: I’m thinking of creative child rearing solutions.
Jane: Okay, what do cuckoo birds do?
Maura: They lay their eggs in a host bird’s nest, and they let that bird raise the babies. However, they first destroy the host bird’s eggs.
Jane: So all we’ll need to do is sneak into some nice family’s home, drop off TJ and get rid of the other kids. (RizzIsles glance, Jane smirks)
Maura: (walking away) Maybe elephants are a better example.
Maura: (looking into a bowl) Oh! Very nice. (showing Jane) Barely digested stomach contents.
Jane: Hm. What is that, eggs?
Maura: (looking closer, impressed) Good for you! Yes! (Jane smirks proudly) Can you tell what that is?
Jane: Only if there’s a prize. Pancake.
Maura: (aMAURAbly proud) Oh! Excellent! Hmm… I wonder, what this is. Smell it. (points it toward Jane)
Jane: (moving away) I’m good.
Maura: (smelling contents) It’s a mint leaf. And this is chocolate and this could be whipped cream.
Jane: Like from a milkshake?
Maura: (smells again) No, it was a coffee drink. Likely frozen.
Jane: But Ma doesn’t serve frozen, chocolate, minty cappuccinos.
Maura: Frappucino. It’s a portmanteaux of frappe and cappuccino.
Jane: Do you ever worry that you’ll sound pretentious?
Maura: (straight faced, slightly confused at the question) No. What about Tank?
Jane: (throws head back, groaning) God it’s gonna be a long day!
Maura: Another portmanteaux. (Susie walks into lab) Tommy plus Frank equals Tank. (beaming with pride)
Jane: Hang on. We’re being interrupted by something relevant (points to Susie).
Frost: Recognize anyone?
Korsak: She looks familiar, but can’t place her.
Woman: (stops walking, surprised/excited, smiles at Korsak, he nods, she walks over) Vince! (hands on his face, quickly pecks his lips)
Korsak: (surprised) Great seeing you too.
Woman: Oh, c’mon Vinny. You really don’t recognize me?
Korsak: IIIIIIIII know we know each other…
Woman: (nodding) We did.
Korsak: (shocked, recognition sets in, sits down slowly) Oh God… Detective Frost, this is my 1st wife, Dayna.
Frost: Oh wow. Hi. Well. How do you forget, your wife?
Dayna: It’s okay, it’s been a while.
Korsak: 40 years.
Dayna: And we were only married for 3 weeks.
Korsak: It was a year actually. But I spent most of it in Vietnam.
Dayna: I still owe you an apology.
Korsak: Pffft. No need. It was so long ago… Dayna, we need your help. (holds up picture of victim)
Dayna: Phil. Is he in trouble?
Korsak: He’s dead.
(Frost & Korsak leaving AA Meeting after talking to Dayna)
Korsak: (to Dayna) Good to see you. (Frost and Korsak leave)
Frost: Oh yea. Really good… what was your name again?!
Jane: Maybe we should try to get him.
Maura: (stops talking in disbelief, serious stare at Jane, speaks with contempt) You would like to raise TJ?
Jane: (innocently) Sort of. Yea. (Off Maura’s glare) I mean, not full time, just s-some of the time. (Frankie rolls his eyes; Jane gets loud) I don’t know! We should tell Ma!
Frankie: You want me to look for half eaten eggs and pancakes?! Are you kidding me?! (Jane glares)
Maura: (looks at Jane, answers seriously) It doesn’t look like she is.
Jane: Okay. Is that why you moved the bookshelf?! So you could see all the dead bodies coming in??
Maura: Yes! (flirty smile at guy wheeling in gurney) Isn’t it convenient?!
Jane: (dryly) Oh yes. I’m forgetting all my troubles.
Maura: (signing for body delivery, smiles up at Morgue Tech, flirty) I’m sorry. I don’t recall your name.
Morgue Tech: Alex. Alex Simmons. I haven’t been doing many shifts lately. …not since I started Medical School. (RizzIsles glance/smirk)
Maura: Wonderful! Congratulations!
Alex: Thank you. It’s a lot of work, but it’s what I always wanted to do. (Maura smiles and nods; Alex checks her out) Dr. Isles, is that a Cassandra Strickenberg? (Jane’s expression of disbelief and surprise)
Maura: (looks down at her outfit) Uh, why yes it is. How did you know?
Alex: The giveaway is the trumpleaux effect in the appliques. Love the hand-stitching! This is gorgeous fabric. (RizzIsles *priceless* expressions)
Maura: With an eye like that, maybe you should’ve considered fashion design!
Alex: Actually, I love to sew. I’m lucky… fine motor skills. I also knit, crotchet and bead.
Jane: Bead. Cool. (Maura smirks at Jane)
Maura: (talking to herself about observations on body) Oh no. (taking gloves off, backing away from the table, speaks calmly) I’m going to tell you both something very frightening. I don’t want either of you to panic, alright?
Jane: (observing Maura’s actions, concern rising) Maura, what is it?!
Maura: Hold your breath and move as fast as you can to the Crime Lab. We have a Code Red. (hits button on wall to sound alarm) Go now!
Jane: Maura, I’m asking you to list the possibilities. That’s not guessing.
Maura: Jane, try to stay calm.
Jane: I am calm! It’s my imagination that’s hysterical. Is it Ebola or Leprosy, or die-before-lunch syndrome?!
Maura: Ebola is a possibility. So is SARS, Anthrax, Dengay Fever, West Nile Virus, drug-resistant Tuberculosis…
CDC Guy: Put your clothing in these bags, shower with the decontamination soap, change into the tyvex suit.
Maura: (quickly removes lab coat, moves to find a place to undress, whiny voice) I only wore this Cassandra Stuckenberg once!
Alex: (sincerely) Oh, how awful!
Jane: (sarcastically) Yes, real tragedy.
Maura: You need to take a decontamination shower. (Presses button on wall; shower head lowers)
Jane: Where’s the stall?!
Maura: Now is no time to be modest, Jane! (3 of them start undressing) The longer you delay, the higher chance you have of becoming infected.
Jane: (looks over at Alex undressing and yawning) Well this is awkward.
Alex: Sorry, Medical School. I’m exhausted, it’s killing me.
Jane: (sees CDC Guys through window, moves things to block their view; Maura watches as she tries to hide under desk to undress) What?! (finishes shower, drying off with little towel)
Alex: (in Tyvex Suit, yawning, hands Jane package) Want your Tyvex Suit now?
Jane: Yea. I’d also like about a dozen more of these tiny towels. (Alex yawns, walks away) Okay. (whisper yelling to Maura) I am officially offended!
Maura: (looking at computer) Well this is interesting…
Jane: (wheels her blocking contraption toward Maura’s desk, hiding behind it) What?! That Alex fell asleep when I was naked?!
Maura: He’s obviously not into women!
Susie: (through window into quarantine room) Alex! Are you okay?!
Alex: (walks to window) I’m fine, Babe.
Jane: (RizzIsles exchange surprised glance) Oh, so he’s not into women?!
Maura: Hello?! I’m the one who has to supervise him! I did a strip tease in front of my Morgue Tech!
Jane: No worries. He wasn’t watching! (yells across room) I didn’t know you two were together.
Susie: We’ve been keeping it a secret. (catches herself) I hope that’s okay! There’s no policy in place about dating co-workers.
Jane: Yea, no. You can shower in front of them… (fake laugh)
Maura: (to officer bringing clothes back in) Captain Greene, you didn’t happen to keep the Cassandra Strickenberg, did you? (confused glance from cop) My skirt.
Captain Greene: Ah. It was just about to be autoclipped. I stopped it.
Maura: Thank you! (excited, hugging bag)
Alex: (pats Captain on the shoulder, smiles) Good job.
Jane: Yes, what a relief.
Maura: (sees Jane peeking into lab) It’s safe. (Jane comes in) It is so clean in here, you can eat off the tables.
Jane: Let’s not, Maura.
Maura: Bacterial Meningitis doesn’t survive it’s host’s death.
Maura: (to Susie as she’s leaving after delivering test results) Alex is very nice.
Susie: (walks back over, smiling) Yea he said the same about you. He couldn’t believe how comfortable you were being naked around him.
Jane: Really? He noticed? (look from Maura)
Susie: (hesitantly) This might be a little too much information for my boss, but we met at a nudist retreat.
Maura: (surprised/intrigued) Oh.
Susie: If you want to join us sometime…
Maura: (looks to Jane) Oh. Many, illnesses, can be improved with nudity and some Vitamin D. (Jane rolls her eyes) Psoriasis, for instance-- is there hiking?!
Jane: (in disbelief) Hiking?!
Maura: (matter-of-factly) You’re less likely to contract Lyme Disease if you’re not wearing any clothing.
Jane: (patiently) Thank you. That sounds, heavenly, Susie. We’ll let you know. (Susie leaves) Really?! Aren’t you the one who was worried about stripping in front of your Morgue Tech?!
Maura: Well now that I know he’s a nudist…
Jane: Results… please?
Frost: Sooo Vince, how’d it go with Dayna?
Korsak: What’s that supposed to mean?
Frost: It means did you remember her? (Jane laughs)
Korsak: Yea, we made love on the Interview Room table.
Frost: Whyyyy would you put that image inside my head?!
Frost: Go. Take Korsak. He needs a “minty frocap” after working up a sweat with that wife he couldn’t remember.
Tommy: Paternity Test came back…
Tommy: (hesitates, emotional) He’s mine.
Frankie: Tommy’s a Baby Daddy!
Maura: Well she says she has a plan, she has a plan.
Jane: Yea but I think we all know about my mother’s “planning”. It’s where Tommy got his “planning” abilities.
Maura: Well if it doesn’t work out you can always use Defense Condition 1.
Jane: Uh, it’s much cooler if you say “Def Con 1”.
Maura: (very seriously) Def. Con. 1.
Jane: (patiently) Much cooler. (turns head wide-eyed)
Jane: No, this is very serious, Stanley. I hope you have a very, VERY good legal team. (Stanley puts head in hands exasperated, Jane and Korsak smirking and laughing)
Stanley: Division 1 Café was my life’s work! You guys are like, you’re like family.
Stanley: Just like a real family, you don’t always like all your relatives.
Jane: Yea, I know exactly what you mean – ugh! God, I wish there was something we could charge him with!
Jane: You’re free to go.
Stanley: I am?! (gets up to leave)
Korsak: On one condition. Two conditions. You give Mrs. Rizzoli a raise. And you stop calling her (angry, growling voice) “Rizzoli!”.
Jane: Hey, Frankie! Come in here. (to Frost) Frankie can read lips.
Jane: Yea. He spent a lot of time on the bench when he started Little League and reading coaches lips.
Frankie: (proudly) Yea, I got really good at it.
Frost: Got really good at bench warming too, huh?
Jane: (swats Frankie’s arm) Tell him.
Frankie: (reading lips of victim in video) Uh, okay, he’s saying “I didn’t sign up for this”.
Jane: Didn’t sign up for what?
Frankie: Looks like he’s saying, “I didn’t know men in tights would kill people”. (Frost & Jane shoot him looks)
Frost: A-mazing. How does he do it?!
Frankie: (intently watching video) No. “I didn’t know Mennonites would kill people”.
Frost: (mocking tone) Well there’s a Mennonite killer out there--
Jane: (interrupting) Not helping, Frost.
Maura: Hello Alex.
Alex: Dr. Isles. Hey, Susie says you might be joining us camping.
Jane: Huh?! No. I can’t. My skin burns so easily.
Maura: It does not.
Jane: Meningitis. Oh my God. Frankie wasn’t saying “men in tights” or “Mennonites”. (quickly leaves lab)
Maura: (confused) Jane? Jaaane?
Frost: I’m still not getting how the men in tights, nites kill people, or what that has to do with you, Korsak.
Jane: It’s such a good thing that you lawyers keep such tidy records.
Lydia’s Mom: You think you’re gonna like being called “Grandma”?
Angela: By Tommy Junior? Yea. I think I’m gonna like it!
Jane: Can we get you something to drink?
Lydia’s Mom: Water for me. Which one of yous is the doctor?
Maura: (raising her hand) I am.
Lydia’s Mom: I need that stuff that uh makes you sick if you drink.
Maura: Antebuse. I can write you a prescription.
Jane: If your arms get tired or you have to go to the bathroom or anything, I’d be happy to hold Tommy Jr.
Lydia: (passing baby to Jane) TJ. He likes it when you mush him against your breasts.
Tommy: I bet he does. I still like that!
Maura: Shall we sit down and eat?
Lydia’s Mom: I never turn down a free meal.
Jane: (sarcastic, sing songy) Think about how much fun we’re gonna have… Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years… (looks over at family, smiles) TJ’s gonna be a Red Sox fan!
Maura: I’d like to teach him how to Fence.
Jane: Oh! (fake enthusiasm) If you do, I’ll teach him how to sew, and knit, and bead.
Maura: Really?! I want to take classes with you!
Maura: Why?! It’d be so fun!
Jane: Can we please just get through this meal?!
(RizzIsles glances; bring food in to family)
GIFs not mine >> I save awesome stuff after I reblog