Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Quotable RizzIsles: Episode 3.11 -- "Class Action Satisfaction"

Case: A man eating at the BPD Café starts coughing up blood, then drops dead.  Maura, Jane and a Morgue Tech are exposed to poison and have to be temporarily quarantined.
RizzIsles: The whole family (Maura included!) are helping take care of Baby “TJ”; Jane wants to play a role in TJ’s life and promises to help Tommy if the baby turns out to be his.

Stanley: (on phone with 911 operator) Oh, so you come faster if it was a cop?!  No, it’s a fat guy!

Jane in PJs, leaning on Maura’s kitchen island, drinking coffee; Maura walks in wearing her PJs; Jane pushes a cup of coffee toward her
Jane: Drink.
Maura: Thank you.  (spits coffee back into cup)  Instant?!  You served me instant?!
Jane: I’m so tired you’re lucky I didn’t serve you Drano.

Tommy: Maura, you ready to swab me?
Jane: You two want some privacy?
Tommy: I’m gonna find out if this is my kid today.  Let’s do this.  Wait, is this gonna hurt?!
Jane: Oh my God, Tommy!  It’s a giant cotton swab.

Tommy: It’s weird that she’s so good with babies.
Maura: Yea, it is a little surprising.  Wasn’t it wonderful how we tag teamed the feedings all night?!  Baby elephants are raised by the female relatives in the herd… aunts, sisters, grandmothers.
Jane: Don’t repeat this cause I’ll deny it.  (in baby voice)  I wish we were elephants so we could keep him!

Jane: (checking her phone)  That doesn’t make any sense… suspicious death at the Division One Café?  I hope Ma’s alright… (trying to make a call)  It’s going straight to voicemail.  Maur, c’mon, we gotta go.
Maura: I’m in my Robe and you’re in your mother’s pajamas.
Jane: Yea, so?  We’ll change in the car.  C’mon.

Maura: I’m not sure.  The hymoptasis suggests all kinds of causes.
Stanley: We don’t even serve hymoptasis.
Maura: Hymoptasis simply means he coughed up blood.

Angela: Jane, he ordered the breakfast special… but he didn’t eat the turkey bacon.  Oh wait!  And he asked for ketchup.
Jane: (trying to be patient and sincere) Thank you, Ma.  That’s, that’s very helpful.

(Tommy tending to TJ; knock on the door; Tommy frantically runs to answer it – it’s Frankie)
Tommy: OH!  Thank God, Bro!  Thanks for coming.  (runs back over to baby)
Frankie: I gotta get back to work.  Is the baby ok?
Tommy: Yea.  I think so…
Frankie: You think so?
Tommy: I fell asleep on the couch.  He was sleeping on my chest.  Frankie, he rolled off.
Frankie: Oh my God.  (walks to look at baby)  Did he hit his head?
Tommy: He landed on a pillow.
Frankie: (annoyed) Oh Tommy! 
Tommy: I know!  What if he can never ride a bike now?!  God!  I can’t be a Dad!
Frankie: What?!
Tommy: (baby cries)  Now he hates me!  (knock on the door)  Oh crap!  What if the neighbors called Social Services?!
Frankie: Calm down, would ya?

Maura: Cuckoo Birds are host parasites.
Jane: You desperately need some sleep.
Maura: I’m thinking of creative child rearing solutions.
Jane: Okay, what do cuckoo birds do?
Maura: They lay their eggs in a host bird’s nest, and they let that bird raise the babies.  However, they first destroy the host bird’s eggs.
Jane: So all we’ll need to do is sneak into some nice family’s home, drop off TJ and get rid of the other kids.  (RizzIsles glance, Jane smirks)
Maura: (walking away)  Maybe elephants are a better example.

Maura: (looking into a bowl)  Oh!  Very nice.  (showing Jane)  Barely digested stomach contents.
Jane: Hm.  What is that, eggs?
Maura: (looking closer, impressed)  Good for you!  Yes!  (Jane smirks proudly)  Can you tell what that is?
Jane: Only if there’s a prize.  Pancake.
Maura: (aMAURAbly proud)  Oh!  Excellent!  Hmm… I wonder, what this is.  Smell it.  (points it toward Jane)
Jane: (moving away)  I’m good.
Maura: (smelling contents)  It’s a mint leaf.  And this is chocolate and this could be whipped cream.
Jane: Like from a milkshake?
Maura: (smells again)  No, it was a coffee drink.  Likely frozen.
Jane: But Ma doesn’t serve frozen, chocolate, minty cappuccinos.
Maura: Frappucino.  It’s a portmanteaux of frappe and cappuccino.
Jane: Do you ever worry that you’ll sound pretentious?
Maura: (straight faced, slightly confused at the question)  No.  What about Tank?
Jane: (throws head back, groaning)  God it’s gonna be a long day!
Maura: Another portmanteaux.  (Susie walks into lab)  Tommy plus Frank equals Tank.  (beaming with pride)
Jane: Hang on.  We’re being interrupted by something relevant (points to Susie).

Frost: Recognize anyone?
Korsak: She looks familiar, but can’t place her.
Woman: (stops walking, surprised/excited, smiles at Korsak, he nods, she walks over)  Vince!  (hands on his face, quickly pecks his lips)
Korsak: (surprised) Great seeing you too.
Woman: Oh, c’mon Vinny.  You really don’t recognize me?
Korsak: IIIIIIIII know we know each other…
Woman: (nodding)  We did.
Korsak: (shocked, recognition sets in, sits down slowly)  Oh God… Detective Frost, this is my 1st wife, Dayna.
Frost: Oh wow.  Hi.  Well.  How do you forget, your wife?
Dayna: It’s okay, it’s been a while.
Korsak: 40 years.
Dayna: And we were only married for 3 weeks.
Korsak: It was a year actually.  But I spent most of it in Vietnam.
Dayna: I still owe you an apology.
Korsak: Pffft.  No need.  It was so long ago… Dayna, we need your help.  (holds up picture of victim) 
Dayna: Phil.  Is he in trouble?
Korsak: He’s dead.

(Frost & Korsak leaving AA Meeting after talking to Dayna)
Korsak: (to Dayna)  Good to see you.  (Frost and Korsak leave)
Frost: Oh yea.  Really good… what was your name again?!

Jane: Maybe we should try to get him.
Maura: (stops talking in disbelief, serious stare at Jane, speaks with contempt)  You would like to raise TJ?
Jane: (innocently)  Sort of.  Yea.  (Off Maura’s glare)  I mean, not full time, just s-some of the time.  (Frankie rolls his eyes; Jane gets loud)  I don’t know!  We should tell Ma!

Frankie: You want me to look for half eaten eggs and pancakes?!  Are you kidding me?!  (Jane glares)
Maura: (looks at Jane, answers seriously) It doesn’t look like she is.

Jane: Okay.  Is that why you moved the bookshelf?!  So you could see all the dead bodies coming in??
Maura: Yes!  (flirty smile at guy wheeling in gurney)  Isn’t it convenient?!
Jane: (dryly)  Oh yes.  I’m forgetting all my troubles.

Maura: (signing for body delivery, smiles up at Morgue Tech, flirty)  I’m sorry.  I don’t recall your name.
Morgue Tech: Alex.  Alex Simmons.  I haven’t been doing many shifts lately.  …not since I started Medical School.  (RizzIsles glance/smirk)
Maura: Wonderful!  Congratulations!
Alex: Thank you.  It’s a lot of work, but it’s what I always wanted to do.  (Maura smiles and nods; Alex checks her out)  Dr. Isles, is that a Cassandra Strickenberg?  (Jane’s expression of disbelief and surprise)
Maura: (looks down at her outfit)  Uh, why yes it is.  How did you know?
Alex: The giveaway is the trumpleaux effect in the appliques.  Love the hand-stitching!  This is gorgeous fabric.  (RizzIsles *priceless* expressions)
Maura: With an eye like that, maybe you should’ve considered fashion design!
Alex: Actually, I love to sew.  I’m lucky… fine motor skills.  I also knit, crotchet and bead.
Jane: Bead.  Cool.  (Maura smirks at Jane)

Maura: (talking to herself about observations on body)  Oh no.  (taking gloves off, backing away from the table, speaks calmly)  I’m going to tell you both something very frightening.  I don’t want either of you to panic, alright?
Jane: (observing Maura’s actions, concern rising)  Maura, what is it?!
Maura: Hold your breath and move as fast as you can to the Crime Lab.  We have a Code Red.  (hits button on wall to sound alarm)  Go now!

Jane: Maura, I’m asking you to list the possibilities.  That’s not guessing.
Maura: Jane, try to stay calm.
Jane: I am calm!  It’s my imagination that’s hysterical.  Is it Ebola or Leprosy, or die-before-lunch syndrome?!
Maura: Ebola is a possibility.  So is SARS, Anthrax, Dengay Fever, West Nile Virus, drug-resistant Tuberculosis…

CDC Guy: Put your clothing in these bags, shower with the decontamination soap, change into the tyvex suit.
Maura: (quickly removes lab coat, moves to find a place to undress, whiny voice)  I only wore this Cassandra Stuckenberg once!
Alex: (sincerely)  Oh, how awful!
Jane: (sarcastically)  Yes, real tragedy.
Maura: You need to take a decontamination shower.  (Presses button on wall; shower head lowers)
Jane: Where’s the stall?!
Maura: Now is no time to be modest, Jane!  (3 of them start undressing)  The longer you delay, the higher chance you have of becoming infected.
Jane: (looks over at Alex undressing and yawning)  Well this is awkward. 
Alex: Sorry, Medical School.  I’m exhausted, it’s killing me.
Jane: (sees CDC Guys through window, moves things to block their view; Maura watches as she tries to hide under desk to undress)  What?!  (finishes shower, drying off with little towel)

Alex: (in Tyvex Suit, yawning, hands Jane package)  Want your Tyvex Suit now?
Jane: Yea.  I’d also like about a dozen more of these tiny towels.  (Alex yawns, walks away)  Okay.  (whisper yelling to Maura)  I am officially offended! 
Maura: (looking at computer)  Well this is interesting…
Jane: (wheels her blocking contraption toward Maura’s desk, hiding behind it)  What?!  That Alex fell asleep when I was naked?!
Maura: He’s obviously not into women!

Susie: (through window into quarantine room)  Alex!  Are you okay?!
Alex: (walks to window)  I’m fine, Babe.
Jane: (RizzIsles exchange surprised glance)  Oh, so he’s not into women?!
Maura: Hello?!  I’m the one who has to supervise him!  I did a strip tease in front of my Morgue Tech!
Jane: No worries.  He wasn’t watching!  (yells across room)  I didn’t know you two were together.
Susie: We’ve been keeping it a secret. (catches herself)  I hope that’s okay!  There’s no policy in place about dating co-workers.
Jane: Yea, no.  You can shower in front of them…  (fake laugh)

Maura: (to officer bringing clothes back in)  Captain Greene, you didn’t happen to keep the Cassandra Strickenberg, did you?  (confused glance from cop)  My skirt.
Captain Greene: Ah.  It was just about to be autoclipped.  I stopped it.
Maura: Thank you!  (excited, hugging bag)
Alex: (pats Captain on the shoulder, smiles)  Good job.
Jane: Yes, what a relief.

Maura: (sees Jane peeking into lab)  It’s safe.  (Jane comes in)  It is so clean in here, you can eat off the tables.
Jane: Let’s not, Maura.
Maura: Bacterial Meningitis doesn’t survive it’s host’s death.

Maura: (to Susie as she’s leaving after delivering test results) Alex is very nice.
Susie: (walks back over, smiling) Yea he said the same about you.  He couldn’t believe how comfortable you were being naked around him.
Jane: Really?  He noticed? (look from Maura)
Susie: (hesitantly)  This might be a little too much information for my boss, but we met at a nudist retreat.
Maura: (surprised/intrigued)  Oh.
Susie: If you want to join us sometime…
Maura: (looks to Jane) Oh.  Many, illnesses, can be improved with nudity and some Vitamin D. (Jane rolls her eyes)  Psoriasis, for instance-- is there hiking?!
Jane: (in disbelief)  Hiking?!
Maura: (matter-of-factly) You’re less likely to contract Lyme Disease if you’re not wearing any clothing.
Jane: (patiently)  Thank you.  That sounds, heavenly, Susie.  We’ll let you know.  (Susie leaves)  Really?!  Aren’t you the one who was worried about stripping in front of your Morgue Tech?!
Maura: Well now that I know he’s a nudist…
Jane: Results… please?

Frost: Sooo Vince, how’d it go with Dayna?
Korsak: What’s that supposed to mean?
Frost: It means did you remember her?  (Jane laughs)
Korsak: Yea, we made love on the Interview Room table.
Frost: Whyyyy would you put that image inside my head?!

Frost: Go.  Take Korsak.  He needs a “minty frocap” after working up a sweat with that wife he couldn’t remember.

Tommy: Paternity Test came back…
Jane: And?
Tommy: (hesitates, emotional) He’s mine.
Frankie: Tommy’s a Baby Daddy!

Maura: Well she says she has a plan, she has a plan.
Jane: Yea but I think we all know about my mother’s “planning”.  It’s where Tommy got his “planning” abilities.
Maura: Well if it doesn’t work out you can always use Defense Condition 1.
Jane: Uh, it’s much cooler if you say “Def Con 1”.
Maura: (very seriously)  Def. Con. 1.
Jane: (patiently)  Much cooler.  (turns head wide-eyed)

Jane: No, this is very serious, Stanley.  I hope you have a very, VERY good legal team.  (Stanley puts head in hands exasperated, Jane and Korsak smirking and laughing) 
Stanley:  Division 1 Café was my life’s work!  You guys are like, you’re like family.
Jane: Family?!
Stanley:  Just like a real family, you don’t always like all your relatives.
Jane: Yea, I know exactly what you mean – ugh!  God, I wish there was something we could charge him with!
Stanley: What?!
Jane: You’re free to go.
Stanley: I am?!  (gets up to leave)
Korsak: On one condition.  Two conditions.  You give Mrs. Rizzoli a raise.  And you stop calling her (angry, growling voice)  “Rizzoli!”.

Jane: Hey, Frankie!  Come in here.  (to Frost)  Frankie can read lips.
Frost: Really?
Jane: Yea.  He spent a lot of time on the bench when he started Little League and reading coaches lips.
Frankie: (proudly)  Yea, I got really good at it.
Frost: Got really good at bench warming too, huh?
Jane: (swats Frankie’s arm)  Tell him.

Frankie: (reading lips of victim in video)  Uh, okay, he’s saying “I didn’t sign up for this”.
Jane: Didn’t sign up for what?
Frankie: Looks like he’s saying, “I didn’t know men in tights would kill people”.  (Frost & Jane shoot him looks) 
Frost: A-mazing.  How does he do it?!
Frankie: (intently watching video)  No.  “I didn’t know Mennonites would kill people”.
Frost: (mocking tone)  Well there’s a Mennonite killer out there--
Jane: (interrupting)  Not helping, Frost.

Maura: Hello Alex.
Alex: Dr. Isles.  Hey, Susie says you might be joining us camping.
Jane: Huh?!  No.  I can’t.  My skin burns so easily.
Maura: It does not.

Jane: Meningitis.  Oh my God.  Frankie wasn’t saying “men in tights” or “Mennonites”.  (quickly leaves lab)
Maura: (confused)  Jane?  Jaaane?

Frost: I’m still not getting how the men in tights, nites kill people, or what that has to do with you, Korsak.

Jane: It’s such a good thing that you lawyers keep such tidy records.

Lydia’s Mom: You think you’re gonna like being called “Grandma”?
Angela: By Tommy Junior?  Yea.  I think I’m gonna like it!

Jane: Can we get you something to drink?
Lydia’s Mom:  Water for me.  Which one of yous is the doctor?
Maura: (raising her hand)  I am.
Lydia’s Mom: I need that stuff that uh makes you sick if you drink.
Maura: Antebuse.  I can write you a prescription.
RizzIsles glance

Jane: If your arms get tired or you have to go to the bathroom or anything, I’d be happy to hold Tommy Jr.
Lydia: (passing baby to Jane)  TJ.  He likes it when you mush him against your breasts.
Tommy: I bet he does.  I still like that!
Frankie: Tommy!
Tommy: What?!

Maura: Shall we sit down and eat?
Lydia’s Mom: I never turn down a free meal.

Jane: (sarcastic, sing songy)  Think about how much fun we’re gonna have… Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years… (looks over at family, smiles)  TJ’s gonna be a Red Sox fan!
Maura: I’d like to teach him how to Fence.
Jane: Oh!  (fake enthusiasm)  If you do, I’ll teach him how to sew, and knit, and bead.
Maura: Really?!  I want to take classes with you!
Jane: Stop.
Maura: Why?!  It’d be so fun!
Jane: Can we please just get through this meal?!
(RizzIsles glances; bring food in to family)

GIFs not mine >> I save awesome stuff after I reblog